New Life Live: May 27, 2011
“I have no more emotional energy for him, and I just want to move on and be able to start taking some action for my life and for my kids.... I keep my emotional distance from him because there was a lot of belittling—a lot of devaluing—of what I was presenting to the table....”
The counselor's reply, also, seemed in step with some of the things that I've been grappling with.
“Sounds like to me... that you’ve really held onto some big resentments toward him... and he’s given you... fertilizer to grow the resentments... and then you combine this justifiable resentment... down inside you really feel you’re entitled to more than what he is bringing to this marriage. So, you’ve got this entitlement and this resentment causing you to have absolutely no interest in a life with this man....”
The question of "What have you done with respect to counseling . . . and assessment [for his depression]?" kind of ties in with the challenge one of the "anon" comments issued of speaking up so that Todd will have the opportunity to make right choices . . . but then also takes it to a level of not just calling things out and expecting him to deal with it, but also basically holding his hand and leading him to initiate his own recovery.
The counselor advises the caller to say this to her husband:
“We’ve been through a lot. We’re kind of stagnant and I’m getting pretty miserable. And I know that back there in the back when we got together there was a lot of love and emotion and affection for each other. I want to see if we can find that again. And here’s what I’d like you to do—I want you to go to [counseling] with me and that’s all that I’m going to ask you to do....” If he doesn’t go or won’t go... “If you’re not willing to do that—give me one weekend—I’m going to file for legal separation.”
The ". . . there was a lot of love and emotion and affection for each other . . ." part feels like a lie, but otherwise, this really fits. Maybe I'm "making a lot of excuses" for not doing what good advise has told me to do. I am tired. I don't have the emotional energy. I don't know that I really even want things to work out . . . but I know that both Todd and I need to get emotionally healthy if there is any chance of things working out. I'm content working on me now. Perhaps I need to find the boldness to at least say:
“If you want me... I need you to do the emotional growth that I have been doing. It’s a combination of emotional and spiritual growth, and I need to see a part of that...”
“Whatever you do to get out of limbo, you’re going to have to do something pretty drastic and different in order to get out of this limboville.”
“Narcissists don’t get help unless their world is really rocked.”
This was great:
Kids learn a lot from a parent’s reaction to someone who is unkind... that means getting some support for yourself...
I am glad you found that show helpful...You must be on the right track Bridget....the radio show, the invitation...those are all little pieces that are helping you along this road to recovery. I am so excited...the Best You is right around the corner.
ReplyDeleteIt's helpful in understanding... however, it's still overwhelming in actual application. I don't feel strong enough. I have to cling to that paradox of "when I am weak, then He is strong." I'm leaning on that divine strength... but still there's that aspect they covered in the radio show about God never intending us to shoulder certain things alone... about finding the support we need. That's easier said than done. I'm a mommy, and many of my friends are moms, too. The kids schedules rule our calendars, and self-time is left-over time. THIS is pretty much my only support group right now, so I love it when you speak up and share your thoughts.
ReplyDeleteDOn't forget, life is a process. Just keep moving forward on the little things as they crop up. The little things add up to the big courage stuff when you need it most.
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