What Would It Take to Get Me Back?

Some people have insinuated that I'm being unfair to Todd by not calling him or telling him what he would have to do to get us back.  One pastor went to visit Todd and had the audacity to call me up and, based on that one little visit, say that he didn't believe Todd posed any threat to the children or me.  So that's all it takes to surrender your trust to someone?  A cursory glance at the surface?  Really?  

This is going to take some time, and I'm not going to let anyone guilt me into taking hasty action.  As I've said before: Todd has my phone number, I haven't turned my phone off, and I've already spelled out our problems over and over in the past, only to be ignored.  I've  stated them, addressed them in letters, and poured out my heart in the private journal he violated...  He knows what to do.  It just doesn't fit into his self-centered MOA.

It has occurred to me that Todd would have to really woo me and wow me to ever break through the protective barriers to my heart that I have built up in response to him.  I am leery, cynical, ultra-cautious...  Anyone who wants to break through would have a tough row to hoe.  

I stumbled upon this blog about Dating After Narcissistic Abuse, and it got me to thinking... not about dating, because, like the author, I am serious when I say "I would rather BE ALONE than ever go through an abusive relationship like I had with [Todd] the narcissist."  It got me thinking that even though I don't believe Todd could ever fix things so as to regain my trust, that since the only slim chance would include wooing me all over again (with the distinct disadvantage of my eyes being wide open this time) some of the points in this article might apply.  (Not that I'd even accept a "date" with him...)

The blog author broke down her dating process into three points:  

Number 1 -- Going Slow because "I VALUE MY INTIMACY."  That means not moving back in with Todd because some pastor who has probably never been abused a day in his life says it "should be okay." 

Number 2 -- Discernment -- thinking, asking good, thorough questions to determine if the person is worthy of trust.  And getting answers -- real answers.  (It takes time -- and reexamination -- to run the lie detector.)

Number 3 -- Boundaries -- "Maintaining two very separate identities," and (I LOVE this) "Not being responsible for someone else's moods," and "Not taking the bait to save or rescue. Caring for someone with considering myself and being sure that my need for reciprocity is met."

http://afternarcissisticabuse.wordpress.com/2012/09/20/dating-after-narcissistic-abuse-2/ 

Those things are crucial.  There can be no short-cuts, especially when one is starting out with so many penalties.