Dismantling the Facade

A friend just asked me an interesting question. She wondered how long it would be before some of Todd's friends start noticing that he isn't even making an effort. Is his public persona so polished that they won't even realize?

That got me to thinking about Todd's friendships. I don't know how deep any of them are. He has his band mates, and they have begun to hang out more since the accident, but I don't know that any of them have been exposed to the full spectrum of Todd. After the accident, people he used to play music with a long time ago, but never kept in touch with thereafter, started coming out of the woodwork. The draw to the needy can really give a person a sense of validation and worth, and of course this victim status suits Todd well because he always did want the world to revolve around him.

But when I thought about reciprocity, I couldn't think of any friend I had ever witnessed Todd going out of his way to be generous toward. There were far more memories of him dodging phone calls when he thought someone might want him to help with something (even if it was a person who had helped him repeatedly.) 

I thought about all of those people Todd had played music with in years gone by, and couldn't help but realize that the reason many of them saw Todd as being a "generous man" was because of the family image he held up--we were his excuse for not helping others... after all, he did so much for his family! 

How much of that image was a result of my efforts and simply allowing him to share credit for something he put relatively little work into building? How many times did I work myself to the point of exhaustion, and then let him come in at the fun point and take the glory? Much of the time, I didn't mind, because I was still deluded by the idea that we were a team.... but now, as I have heard him presenting all the parenting failures in the family as being totally mine, I realize what a monster my unwitting enabling created... the sort of monster who squats in a house that he refuses to share with his unworthy family. He is entitled to the comforts of home. We are not.

Will his friends eventually see that he is not making an effort? I don't know. If the past is any indication, any who start to see through his act will promptly be discarded as "crazy." If it weren't so sick and so sad, one could almost be entertained by the delusional games. 

I'm not a trained professional, so I can't verify a diagnosis of Bi-Polar and/or Narcissistic Personality Disorder (even though when I read about them, I do feel as if the authors have been spying on our interactions...) One thing is for sure, Todd truly is a case study in something. Whether any of his friends will ever be around long enough to see through the veil of faux reality, I don't know... but it will be interesting to see how he is able to keep up his generous image while blocking his family out of our home. I guess the only way will be to paint me as a liar. The thing is: If I had a part in constructing that veil, then the dismantling of my part of it should expose the unreality of the very thing that he has been using as his identity.

He may not realize how dependent he is on me to hold up his image. In pushing the limits with me and forcing me to more drastic action than I may have had to otherwise jump to, he may be dismantling his own facade. I was willing to let him move out quietly and separate under the no-fault banner of irreconcilable differences, but it looks like he is going to force me to file a restraining order.