A few days ago I was examining my part in the marital failure of Todd-n-I, and I considered the possibility that "abuser" might be an unfair label for Todd, because "Realistically, I know he gets frustrated with things that are uniquely me." Maybe he would be nicer to someone who didn't have my unique and annoying traits.
When a friend asked me to identify those things uniquely me that Todd would find so annoying, I discovered something potentially "ground breaking." There are personal qualities I have covered with shame because of the pain they have caused me in conflict with Todd. I think I should be able to rid myself of them or bury them and "be strong." The interesting thing is, however, that this shame only seems to exist when the qualities are examined in the context of relationship with Todd or others like him. The more I looked at these qualities away from Todd, the more times I recalled others expressing appreciation (even celebration) of those same traits I was labeling flaws.
Today I discovered an old Psychology Today article by Ken Page, L.C.S.W. that confirmed the sense that conforming to Todd would only serve to destroy who I am deep down inside... and that the person I am at the "core" is not only valid, but also a gift (or a collections of gifts wherein in my very soul resides).
"Core gifts are not the same as talents or skills. In fact, until we understand them, they often feel like shameful weaknesses, or as parts of ourselves too vulnerable to expose. Yet they are where our soul lives. They are like the bone marrow of our psyche, generating a living stream of impulses toward intimacy and authentic self-expression. But gifts aren't hall-passes to happiness. They get us into trouble again and again. We become most defensive-or most naïve-around them. They challenge us and the people we care about. They ask more of us than we want to give. And we can be devastated when we feel them betrayed or rejected."
http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/finding-love/201109/how-our-insecurities-can-reveal-our-deepest-gifts
This realization is "ground breaking" in that I have come to realize how much of myself I have had to bury simply to survive life with Todd. The crust that has formed may have made the eruptions of self even more concentrated and in stark contrast to the "Bridget" Todd wants to acknowledge, these glimpses of something different, something outside of his control, are targets to be attacked.
I don't want to bury my soul any more. To find those with whom I can freely express and practice its unique gifting would be revolutionary. Refusing to be entangled with those who only want to accept an image is critical. Perhaps Todd is content sitting at home without us because he still has his "airbrushed version" of us with him. We left that behind on September 10, and he can have it... even if it means us giving up our house. We will make a home, my children and I -- a home where we can be intimate and real, a home where we honor the soul.
