Dump and be Dumped: Beyond Humiliation

Those who have been following this blog from the beginning know about my friend Doug, and how a falling out with him in college pretty much devastated my self-worth, setting me up to be easy pickings for Todd.

A quick review: I loved Doug. My parents loved Doug. Everyone seemed to think we were dating, but we weren't. We were best friends and we did everything together. We wrote prolifically during the year we were apart at two different colleges, and I ultimately allowed him to talk me into transferring to his college three states away. Things were great at first, until Lisa, a girl in my department who had a lot of classes with me, set her eyes on Doug and decided getting to be friends with me would be the perfect way to get to Doug. 

A guy from Doug's department, Mike (or did I call him Matt? can't remember...) hung out with Lisa and Doug and I, and before long, everyone thought we were two couples double dating: Mike and Lisa; Doug and me... when, in fact, none of that was true, although Lisa was determined to date Doug. For whatever reason, I guess I stood in the way of her goal, and before long Mike and Lisa were going out of their way to get between Doug and me. I had to go. 

To this day, it is confusing to me what conspired to turn my friend against me, but one day, Doug and I were at the student union eating lunch together and he told me everything that was wrong with me -- in one sitting... ending with the bottom line: He didn't want to spend time with me any more.

I was heart-broken. And suddenly completely alone three states away from my family.

Fast forward through the subsequent reconciliation of my friendship with Doug... and years later via social media, a reconciliation-of-sorts with Mike and Lisa (who are now married to each other, with the picture-perfect family.) For the most part, I ignore them, but occasionally the two of them really get to me with their sappy, lovey-dovey posts on each other's walls that show up like an out of control fungus on my newsfeed. Sometimes I type "Gag me!" in the reply box under their dialog and take a screen shot of it (I know, I'm immature, but I never hit send!) 

Recently, Doug was "dumped" by a friend who seems to have been influenced by a new acquaintance to ditch all of his old friends. (Hmmm. Junior High revisited, or Karma?) Even if he did the same thing to me (except even worse, because it was a targeted "dump" rather than a mass "dump"), he is my friend; I do not wish him ill, so I tried to offer some helpful insight when he asked. But then he posed a question about it on his Wall (seriously, are we back in Junior High?!) ... and who should comment on it but Mike.

Doug posed the question:

"One of my best friends met someone who has had tremendous influence over him--to the point of making major life changes which includes dumping many long-term relationships. Thoughts?" 

to which Mike replied:  

"Doesn't sound rational to me."

Oh really?! I thought.

And then I did it: 

I wrote Mike a long message noting the surreal irony in his reply and telling him that it's not like I'm bitter or holding a grudge; it's just that I've been trying to understand what exactly conspired in that incredibly painful episode of my history... and I asked him once again what he meant by calling me "Hateful" and "Jezebel" and how exactly I hurt Doug (since he was the one who told me that, and Doug claims to have no idea what he was talking about.)

And I hit "send."

I don't regret it. So what if I look like a fool to some nobody from college? Go ahead, Mike... "unfriend" me. On the other hand, if he were to answer truthfully, I might finally understand that root to my relational dysfunction so I can break it off once and for all. I know, that's putting an awful lot of stock in one bit of information, but it is a pretty big bit. 

I know some of you readers who like to leave the past in the past are probably frustrated once again with my incessant meddling... Well, you know what?

I. don't. care.

I have played the game of holding it all inside and avoiding humiliation for far too long, and I am beyond being swayed by fear of humiliation. 

Recent months have brought about healing in several relationships that never would have happened if I had remained the fraidy cat I spent most of my life being. (Admittedly, in one situation, I opened up a can of worms that I probably should have left alone at least a little bit longer... REALLY crappy timing... but I have not shied away from that AlAnon "Step # Whatever" of making amends with as many people as possible, and for the most part it has been very rewarding.)


I remain optimistic that peace can be made where there once was misunderstanding. And I still think it's worth a little humiliation here and there to give it a try.