I logged onto a social media site earlier today and was greeted by one of those all-too-common internet memes that confuses intellectual property theft with creativity.
The words, "Speak the Truth," were coupled with the image of an exhibit of a 3-dimentional skull that appeared to be spewing a stream of splattering color onto a white gallery wall.
 |
| “Confetti Death” by TYPOE, Spinello Gallery, Miami, Art Basel Miami Beach |
I could not repost the meme -- which, as usual, was void of any tribute of credit to the artist (I mean, really, is it so hard to just mention a name if you feel a piece of art is worth sharing?) Instead I took the minute and a half it takes to do the research to find out who poured their time, heart, and resources into creating a work of art. The installation, which was exhibited at the Spinello Gallery in Miami during Art Basel Miami Beach, is titled "Confetti Death" and was created by a graffiti artist named TYPOE.
When I did find a review of the work of art, and saw that it was possibly more likely to be meant to be interpreted as vomit, even vomit leading to death... the juxtaposition of this image with the idea of "speaking the truth" took on new meaning, new irony.
Words can change worlds. I know that, so I will not be pressured to speak words that could be damaging without thoroughly thinking things out in advance.
Charlie said it so well when he told me:
What is relevant now... is designing a process that allows you to make these decisions known and relevant to those around you in a manor that is as painless as possible for all concerned. Certainly not an easy endeavor. However you go about building your plan, do yourself a favor, make sure you have flexibility already built into "the plan" from the beginning. Contingencies, and enough "what if's" already answered will allow you to make quick course corrections, preventing you from ending up so far off course that you have to abandon your mission....if you can avoid being blind sided, then others reactions to your decisions should be somewhat anticipated and hopefully a bit more manageable.... random emotions may be one of your greatest challenges.... your own, of people around you, even distant friends and family.... and these (emotions) will likely come in a form supported by strong language, guilt trips, and poor attempts at rational thought.... Whatever, however, and whenever you choose to proceed, please do so with extreme care and caution.
Expediency is not nearly as important as delicacy. Expediency could come off as noxious as vomit; whereas proceeding with delicacy is more likely to bring forth results in which truth can actually produce beauty in the long run.
Yesterday I was freaking out. I was wallowing in despair, imagining death as my only out. I was doing that because I felt the demand of expediency breathing down my neck and I knew I wasn't ready to proceed with the care necessary for the delicate task ahead.
I want to start counseling right now, but the counseling center won't get back to me. I want the legal appointment tomorrow, but I'm going to have to wait almost a month.
Patience. You've been at this for over 25 years... why the sudden rush?
I could say it's because the cat is out of the bag, since two of my children, and several extended family members and friends know of my intentions. But, even if "word of mouth" gets back to Todd, I needn't panic. Really. It's not like he hasn't heard that I'm not content before. He's probably so comfortably settled into believing that I wouldn't actually carry through with a plan to leave him, that he could hear this and blow it off.
Today I picked up the last honest pen & paper journal I kept -- the one that prompted me to begin this online, off-site blog when I discovered Todd had been reading it. It spanned a great amount of time -- beginning before the affair and continuing after it. If he was truly reading it for anything other than selfish, spying, ammunition-gathering purposes -- if he was reading to learn about what I felt, to see what might be able to be done to heal our relationship -- he would have had plenty of food for thought.
The more I think about it, the fact that he could read that and go on with the painful status quo is evidence that he is far too ego-centric to put forth the effort to have anything other than a one-sided relationship.
My biggest challenge in the coming month will be to hold my tongue until the right moment. Arguing with a narcissist will never be productive -- I need to accept that. Todd knows how to get inside my head and push my buttons, which will always put me at a disadvantage.
I need to patiently wait for my team of reinforcements to be solidly in place. I need a therapist to advice me in dealing with Todd's personality disorder and possibly even be there to back me up on the day of confrontation. I need to figure out whether to talk to my children with Todd present or without him. Since he is so good at twisting my words and getting to me emotionally, I'm leaning toward having a separate reveal meeting with the kids. [By the way, when I speak of a "reveal meeting" I'm talking about putting our history (including the affair) out on the table so that Todd will no longer have that secret as a weapon; this would be separate from and before any mention of separation or divorce.] Either that or I definitely will need to have a mediator present. If there are separate meetings, I will not be able to allow any time to lapse between the two for the parties to talk... and that would include cell phone communication. This could be tricky to arrange. Maybe the mediator who is present could be a friend of his who agrees in advance to stay with him while I go talk with the children. Then there are the questions of logistics. Some of that I don't think I'll be able to work out until I've met with legal counsel. And even when the meeting/confrontation happens, I need to hold my tongue. I need to have a script and stay on script, to refuse to be taken off script because of how he manipulates conversations. I could even have what I want to say written out and have a mediator read it -- that would reinforce the fact that I am unwilling to participate in an argument. These are just a few off the top of my head thoughts.
God, I hope I can find a good counselor to help me sort this out so that the words flow in truth instead of splattering like so much vomit!
No comments:
Post a Comment