"Guilt Baby"

Twice in the past couple weeks, I've been asked why I had so many kids if I was unhappy in my marriage.

Fair question.

Uncomfortable answer. Or perhaps I should make that plural. Answers. It wasn't always the same. The answers do point to more of my own embarrassing issues. Mainly self-sabotage.

I've been talking to Charlie lately. Had I admitted that yet? Anyway, the fact that I had a child after Charlie's was news to him. When he asked the question, it didn't take me long to realize I had done it out of guilt--as if giving Todd a chance to father a son would "fix" things. (Yes, I do realize that was a 50/50 crapshoot.) 

But then my oldest daughter asked the same thing. Surely having so many children is evidence that there once was love. Right? 

I found myself doing inventory. As I've said before, I married Todd to try to justify the physical relationship we were already having. The children were like a natural continuation of that.

A friend was recently going on and on about how "love is not a feeling--it's a commitment." He said it over and over as if it were a mantra. Perhaps he needs to convince himself of that because the wife he refuses to give up on is actually living with a different man.

"Love is a commitment," he kept saying. I nodded numbly, as if in agreement, but what I was really agreeing to was the fact that his statement was familiar. I've heard it so many times that it just sounds right.

Yes, I understand the fact that feelings fluctuate, and if you are relying only on feelings, any relationship is pretty much doomed to fade at some point or another.


But as the days since I heard Jeff repeating his "Love is a commitment" mantra have passed, I've been dissecting that sentiment, and I think it's overly simplistic. Oh really? The way some apply that premise is as if "Love is nothing more than a commitment." That's pretty close to the way I have lived for 25 years, and I can tell you, it is sad.

If that's all love is, then how is it different from joining the military, or picking fur off furniture if you have OCD and a long-haired cat? Hitler's followers were committed, but was there anything beautiful about their devotion?

Does the fact that I have remained more or less committed to self-sabotage, especially after breaking up with Charlie, mean that I love Todd? Few would think that for a minute, but they still can't deny the level of commitment that prompted me to add years on to what essentially already felt like a prison sentence by having another child. On some level, I wonder if I was afraid to leave and so I trapped myself.

When I see how cruel Todd can be to our youngest child (his child), I find myself wishing I had not been so committed. My "guilt baby" was born of commitment, and that is not the same thing as being born of love.