Whew, That's a Relief!

Trying to figure myself out. I do crazy things occasionally. Okay, maybe more than occasionally, but let's just say the REALLY CRAZY things are occasional.

E-mailing Charlie was one of those things. I knew it was playing with fire, and yet I did it... and once I did it, there was no un-doing it. That was crazy enough.

What did I feel when I realized that I had gotten away with it? I had glimpsed into Charlie's life without him even knowing it. What did I feel? Relief, ah, sweet relief! Not sure if I should bask so much in the relief, though. The actions that followed that first contact are evidence of something else: boldness.

If you touch a flame and it burns your skin, the nerves send a message to the brain: Don't do that again. On the other hand, if you could go about touching flames, sitting IN the campfire instead of beside it, and so on, without suffering the consequence of a burn, would there be any reason to alter your fire-related behavior?

See what I'm getting at?

So, Charlie responded to my message in a manner that showed he obviously didn't know who I was. Although I knew that I could have been burned, since I wasn't, I was emboldened. I told myself I was replying to his reply simply to evade suspicion by at least acknowledging the fact that he had kindly replied to an anonymous fan of his work. I kept the reply cordial, not personal, even telling him that I didn't expect him to reply. Charlie then sent a brief friendly message in response to message #2. Still not burned, I was faced with a dilemma: Do I just stop this foolish behavior even if it lacks resolution?

I could have stopped at one message, and he probably would have thought nothing of it, but after two messages, it would be like walking out on a conversation... and sometimes people follow you in such a circumstance. Perhaps he had figured out who I was... so, like an idiot, I asked if he knew who I was (message #3). Charlie's reply #3 demonstrated that he had me confused with someone else, and that was why he was writing as if I weren't a total stranger.

Reply #3 also ended in a couple of questions directed at me. Not answering them would risk raising further suspicion, so I pretty much had to put my fingers back in the flame. Right? I carefully crafted my words in a manner so as not to be outright lies, and yet not to give myself away (message #4). Charlie's reply #4 took on the professional air of an artist approaching a potential client. I should be able to walk away from our correspondence at this point with no fear of firestorm, but what is the lesson I have learned from all of this? Could it be that I have received a second chance to behave in a sane manner? or is it, perhaps, that I can get away with more than I thought I could?