Unique Flaws... Unique Gifts

A few days ago I was examining my part in the marital failure of Todd-n-I, and I considered the possibility that "abuser" might be an unfair label for Todd, because "Realistically, I know he gets frustrated with things that are uniquely me." Maybe he would be nicer to someone who didn't have my unique and annoying traits. 

When a friend asked me to identify those things uniquely me that Todd would find so annoying, I discovered something potentially "ground breaking." There are personal qualities I have covered with shame because of the pain they have caused me in conflict with Todd. I think I should be able to rid myself of them or bury them and "be strong." The interesting thing is, however, that this shame only seems to exist when the qualities are examined in the context of relationship with Todd or others like him. The more I looked at these qualities away from Todd, the more times I recalled others expressing appreciation (even celebration) of those same traits I was labeling flaws. 

Today I discovered an old Psychology Today article by Ken Page, L.C.S.W. that confirmed the sense that conforming to Todd would only serve to destroy who I am deep down inside... and that the person I am at the "core" is not only valid, but also a gift (or a collections of gifts wherein in my very soul resides).

"Core gifts are not the same as talents or skills. In fact, until we understand them, they often feel like shameful weaknesses, or as parts of ourselves too vulnerable to expose. Yet they are where our soul lives. They are like the bone marrow of our psyche, generating a living stream of impulses toward intimacy and authentic self-expression. But gifts aren't hall-passes to happiness. They get us into trouble again and again. We become most defensive-or most naïve-around them. They challenge us and the people we care about. They ask more of us than we want to give. And we can be devastated when we feel them betrayed or rejected." 

                                             http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/finding-love/201109/how-our-insecurities-can-reveal-our-deepest-gifts 

This realization is "ground breaking" in that I have come to realize how much of myself I have had to bury simply to survive life with Todd. The crust that has formed may have made the eruptions of self even more concentrated and in stark contrast to the "Bridget" Todd wants to acknowledge, these glimpses of something different, something outside of his control, are targets to be attacked. 

I don't want to bury my soul any more. To find those with whom I can freely express and practice its unique gifting would be revolutionary. Refusing to be entangled with those who only want to accept an image is critical. Perhaps Todd is content sitting at home without us because he still has his "airbrushed version" of us with him. We left that behind on September 10, and he can have it... even if it means us giving up our house. We will make a home, my children and I -- a home where we can be intimate and real, a home where we honor the soul. 

Keep Calm...

In honor of those who are reminding me to keep calm...

I'm calm... and I'm not.

I'm scared... and yet I'm confident.

In the moment, I may waiver. I just pray that I don't waiver in a critical moment, and thus give Todd ammunition to use against me.

In the long run, everything will be okay, because 

"work things out" 

is what I do.

Yes, I have panicked, but I always pull myself together and trudge on.

Skipping past the panic is today's goal.

I will keep my emotions intact, intact for healthy relationships.

But I will keep my emotions in check when dealing with those who cannot be trusted.

May I keep my eyes wide open and see the difference.

Thank you for caring enough to remind me to be calm...
You have no idea how much your support means to me.

Sometimes your words come right at that moment when I'm about to waiver.

Sometimes your words remind me of who I am when I'm about to forget.

And when you've seen me on the verge of flatlining 
and reminded me that my emotions are valid 
(in an environment of trust, of course),
 that has resuscitated my spirit and brought me hope.

Learning who can't be trusted may be painful, but on the flip side, we also learn who can be trusted... 
and that is beautiful.

Content to Be Me

A few weeks ago, my "therapist" told me that when he looks at me, he sees someone who is celebrated, and yet is not comfortable in her own skin. He also said something about "a sexual revolution" being in order... but I'll not touch on that now... because morality aside, "a sexual revolution" would be dangerous for someone not comfortable in her own skin. A sexual relationship (or any relationship, for that matter) can only be good if it's individual partners are comfortable enough to trust.

So I've been thinking about what it takes to be comfortable--something I haven't been for some time--and it seems to me that a lot of well-intended advise actually can drive a person away from a place of honesty where he or she can become comfortable enough to trust. We're told to pretend. The whole idea of couples counseling seems to be much more focused on an image than it is on healthy individuals.  

I've been talking with Charlie. (I know some of you would say I shouldn't do that.) But, it's been good. And you know what? (Now this has nothing to do with sex, so don't get your panties in a bunch!) With Charlie, I am content to be me, and that's a nice way to be. This whole platonic friendship thing may be challenging, given our history and our memories... but having a friend with whom I can feel so comfortable in my being (not just my skin... I'm still not there with anyone, really... but in my being is even deeper) ...that's worth facing off the challenge, I think.

guardrail

Staying on track can be tough when the road ahead is long and indefinite. I had that urge again today... I wouldn't say it was a suicidal impulse. Not quite that drastic. But driving along with Todd in the passenger seat, I realized how familiar the feeling of this pressure building in my chest has become.

Waiting for a stoplight to change, I found myself momentarily outside of my body, outside of the vehicle looking in at the middle-aged woman with her head cupped in her left hand as she leaned toward the door in emotional exhaustion. The sight was jarring. Could that be me?

The grip of the tightness in my chest confirmed it. And I welcomed the destruction my emotional state seems to be placing on my body. Maybe that will be my escape, I thought... but to what? An out-patient visit for some stress-induced malady, followed by an even more stressful attempt at recovery in a house that still revolves around Todd? Even a hospital stay could not be long enough. No, I guess I should fight for my health.

Those moments of wanting to give up (no matter how brief) scare me.

I've learned that joy doesn't just happen, though. You have to go after it deliberately. Some people take a short cut and settle for a cheap substitute, but I know you sometimes not only have to wade through some crap to get there... sometimes you have to pause and scrape the crap off your own shoes before you can go on. Denying the existence of the crap will not help you to tread any more lightly.

So, I'm examining my past habits to try to learn where I've gone wrong.

A good friend loaned me a book titled How to Spot a Dangerous Man Before You Get Involved. I can see Todd all over in it... but that's not the troubling thing, that's not the thing to focus on, no, that's not the thing at all.

The perplexing thing is: Why on earth did I make the choices I made to get where I am now? The whole "just make better choices from here on out" approach doesn't cut it, because if I'm honest with myself, I see that just having "been hurt" is no guarantee that I've really learned my lesson -- that I've really broken the patterns that led to hooking up with Todd. 

No one wants to walk through the crap with you. It's something you have to do alone (unless you can afford a therapist.) I'll be okay. I'll even be stronger. Healthier. More complete. I'm just not there yet, and therefore, I'm not fit to be around others. It would be unfair to drain them. 

Sometimes I think it would be nice to have someone to act as a guardrail at those times that frighten me... those times when the lure of non-existence becomes too great. 

I know God is there. His Word is a guardrail. But people's interpretations of it are not... in fact, sometimes they are a gap in the guardrail, complete with a steep incline leading to that gap.

The books I've been reading lately all remind me that it's time for a make-over. I'm sure if I shared what's been going on and what I've been thinking with people in my church, they would be in a hurry to get Todd and me into "couples' counseling." As far as I'm concerned right now, however, my relationship with Todd is a non-issue. I can't change him. I can't make decisions for him. And I definitely can't trust him. We each need to deal with our own issues or "couples' counseling" would be not only a waste of time, but quite possibly one of those gaping holes in the guardrail. 

When I look at how I keep veering toward that darn guardrail, I know that I can't trust myself, either. But I can make decisions for myself. And if I'm willing to critically evaluate my previous decisions and the patterns they follow, I can change. If I can be honest with myself about where I am in that process, I believe I can eventually come to trust myself again. Until then, I'm going to have to be careful who I trust.

The Sarah Connor Training Program

Here's another analogy to keep me focused when I get impatient about the big changes I long for (especially those I'm simply not ready for--physically, emotionally, spiritually, relationally):

As I was on my two mile power walk this morning, I reminded myself that I'm still "in training." My body is very different from what it was a year ago--before I started taking healthy diet and exercise seriously. Rounding the track on my fourth lap, I recalled how difficult even this feat would have been just nine months and 40 pounds ago. Even something as simple as walking (walking, mind you, not running) is magnified in difficulty when you carry excess weight.

It's the same in the less physical aspects of life--carrying baggage not only slows us down, it also makes us clumsy and more likely to get hurt or even fail in our quest. It took time to pile on the pounds that were weighing me down and keeping me from the exercise I needed. It took time to put on the weight, and when I resolved to start exercising it wasn't an instant freedom... I labored away, little by little, gradually increasing my pace on the treadmill and the numbers on my dumbbells. When I stopped at the exercise area of the park to use the equipment and do a few sit-ups, I was impressed by how, in spite of all the changes I've seen in my body and all the things I can do that I couldn't a year ago, there are still some pretty basic moves that I can't do. I still feel trapped in a body that limits my freedom to move about as I would like to. Then I thought about the difference between actress Linda Hamilton's physique in The Terminator and the sequel, Terminator 2. She had to go through some pretty intense training for that transformation.

How many years did it take Sarah Connor to buff up and be ready to meet the challenge of her "Judgement Day" in Terminator 2? It was seven years between movies, but I believe the time span depicted was actually longer. Sarah's battle against the cyborgs is similar to the looming battle Todd and I are going to have to fight if we are to make it as a couple (or rise above the unacceptable status quo one way or another as individuals.) I don't know what the outcome will be, but I do know that there will be a battle--Judgement Day is inevitable--the day when our relationship will face the ultimate trial which we have been putting off with dishonesty.

Thinking of the training that is necessary to prepare for physical confrontation made me feel a little more comfortable about not pushing for all the changes at once. I've hung in this marriage for almost a quarter of a century--more than half my life. I don't have to fix it all right this minute. The fixing must start with me. It would be foolish to burst out demanding instant change when I don't even know what I want. The one thing I do know is that I not only want, but I also need, to be stronger (in all aspects of my being). As I typed that, I was reminded of the scripture about finding our strength in the Lord.

"And lest I should be exalted above measure by the abundance of the revelations, a thorn in the flesh was given to me, a messenger of Satan to buffet me, lest I be exalted above measure. ⁸ Concerning this thing I pleaded with the Lord three times that it might depart from me. ⁹ And He said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for My strength is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore most gladly I will rather boast in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest upon me. ¹⁰ Therefore I take pleasure in infirmities, in reproaches, in needs, in persecutions, in distresses, for Christ’s sake. For when I am weak, then I am strong." (I Corinthians 12:7-10)

This reminds me of all the times I have gotten distressed over Todd not bringing in a consistent income and providing some sense of security. I get worried, even though scripture also instructs me not to worry:

²⁵ “Therefore I say to you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or what you will drink; nor about your body, what you will put on. Is not life more than food and the body more than clothing? ²⁶Look at the birds of the air, for they neither sow nor reap nor gather into barns; yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not of more value than they? ²⁷ Which of you by worrying can add one cubit to his stature?
²⁸ “So why do you worry about clothing? Consider the lilies of the field, how they grow: they neither toil nor spin; ²⁹ and yet I say to you that even Solomon in all his glory was not arrayed like one of these. ³⁰Now if God so clothes the grass of the field, which today is, and tomorrow is thrown into the oven, will He not much more clothe you, O you of little faith?³¹ “Therefore do not worry, saying, ‘What shall we eat?’ or ‘What shall we drink?’ or ‘What shall we wear?’³² For after all these things the Gentiles seek. For your heavenly Father knows that you need all these things. ³³ But seek first the kingdom of God and His righteousness, and all these things shall be added to you. ³⁴ Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about its own things. Sufficient for the day is its own trouble. (Matthew 6:25-34)

I've been at that place so many times: That place where I realize that in spite of the fact that I doubt, I've never had a reason to doubt the Lord for his provision. He has always been faithful to me. As depressing as my relationship with Todd is, as unstable the security (or lack thereof) of it, there is one thing good about it that I am actually thankful for: Todd's inability (or unwillingness) to provide security for the children and me through diligent work on his part has made it easier for me to continue to look to the Lord for my security, rather than idolizing a mere man. If Todd were a super ambitious workaholic, who's to say I wouldn't be tempted to look to him for provision and idolize him as my provider. I can only imagine what kind of strength would be necessary to resist such temptation, so there is no way that I can boast about my reliance on God--I've had it easy.

All speculation aside, I honestly don't know what it would be like to walk in the shoes of a woman with a successful husband. That leads me to view strength as a very pliable thing. It's not a one-size-fits-all sort of commodity, what is a strength for one person can be a weakness for another. The only strength that really measures up and makes us fit for our unique trials is the strength that is custom-fit through a relationship with God. He sees all (even the things we lie to ourselves about), so only He can truly outfit us for our personal challenges. We can't do it ourselves because we are all liars (whether conscious or not--it's the human survival program). It is in relationship with Him that our lies can be burned away by the penetrating light (fire) of His truth.

Spiritual wellness has to be the cornerstone of my search for strength, and although I do believe in miracles, reaching that wellness is not guaranteed to be an instantaneous thing. And, if it ever is reached, it is not guaranteed to be permanent--just like my lost weight and increased muscle mass--without diligence I'll morph right back into my double-digit pants' size.

So I will be patient, not expecting it all to change at once, and focusing on doing what I can do to be diligent... diligent mainly to move in the right direction--always to truth, always to truth.

"Remove from me the way of lying,
And grant me Your law graciously."

(Psalm 110:29)

If it takes five years, fine. Seven--I'll work it like Linda Hamilton, with God as my personal trainer. If it takes 12 years, like Sarah Connor, may I persist, knowing that that Judgement Day is coming, and purge myself of the baggage that would keep me from pulling through that day whole and victorious... and free.