Marital Failure and Self Worth

I'm struggling today.  With all the things I'm responsible for, it is difficult being away from my home.  Don't get me wrong -- it's nice being away from Todd and not having to walk on eggshells, but the displacement is still wearing on me.  When my daughter told me Todd had sent her an apology, I realized that he could make steps that would prompt others to say that we should move back in with him.  It doesn't take much to convince some people.  What would it take to convince me?

Am I a bad person to have given up hope for Todd to ever become the sort of person I would want to live with?  Maybe I'm not all that great to live with, either.  It's weird.  Even though I feel such resolve to stand firm and not allow myself to be sucked back into that codependent lifestyle, I still feel badly.  Maybe it's that annoying image that I said was so important to Todd.  How important is it to me?

I've started to understand why some women return -- like dogs to their vomit -- to verbally or emotionally abusive men.  This process is hard.  It gets exhausting.  The reminders of failure weigh heavily, and even though I know Todd has been wrong in how he has treated me, I still doubt my worth in regard to anything better.  Could I possibly give in to the pressure to "make things work" no matter the cost?  It would be death, I'm sure of it. 

I'm trying to be fair to Todd.  I don't want to be self-righteous and smug, like I'm some sort of a dream to live with -- like our problems are all one sided.  I got to thinking... just because I feel abused doesn't mean Todd is an abuser who would abuse just anyone.  Realistically, I know he gets frustrated with things that are uniquely me.  I've tried to change those things, but my efforts never seem to be good enough.  Todd could have married someone who wouldn't have annoyed him so much, and maybe he would have been nicer to her.  

I've been doing inventory and asking myself a lot of questions.  How much of our problem is due to my own shortcomings?  I hate that "blame game" Todd is so insistent on playing, and yet... am I solely blaming Todd for our failed marriage?

"Irreconcilable Differences" seems to be a kinder and gentler term than "Emotional Abuse."  

In the midst of writing this, I finally receive a text from Todd.  "I hope all is going well with you there today."  That's supposed to fix everything, isn't it?  He cares.  Why do I doubt?  But then I stumble upon a quote from that Dangerous Man book:

"...many women who learn what pathology is seem to believe that they and their man are exceptions to the rule.  This belief is manifest in their attempts to change the dangerous man or some aspect of him.  They choose not to accept years of psychological research....  Since the pathological man will never change, the next step the woman takes is to try to change herself to make the pathological relationship easier to cope with.  Disaster can be the only outcome when a woman tries to conform to a pathological and abnormal relationship." p. 18, Sandra L. Brown, M.A., How to Spot a Dangerous Man Before You Get Involved

I want to answer his message: "All is going well--except for the fact that the children and I are displaced from our home and trying to function in work and school as best we can given the circumstances.  It is worth the inconvenience, however, not to be walking on eggshells to avoid provoking an angry outburst."  Another reply could include something about how nice things must be in his house, now that we're not there to frustrate him.  But I know I have to be smart and strategic.  Perhaps I should give this more thought before responding.  It did, after all, take him over a week to come up with that one line.  

I'm tired.