On Being Overly Sensitive

Since I'm  pretty sure it's the posting date and not the date a post was originally penned that is attributed when one procrastinates in the shadow of anxiety and trust issues, and then finally--after months--musters the courage to hit the "publish" button, I will start by saying that what follows has been sitting captive in my "drafts" since 12/17/12:

Self Portrait c.2012: It's important to control what one lets out...

I'm overly sensitive. Yep. I've been told that by more than one person. It's usually noted as a flaw, and yet, I draw on that sensitivity all the time in creating nuanced characters, relationships and conflict in fictional works. I also draw on it in my interactions with those who tend to be misunderstood. Because I'm overly sensitive, I tend to give others a chance, even if I don't "agree" with them. Differences can be a huge component of the beauty of life--creating variety and texture.

When people try to blanket those whose experiences are foreign to them with their own overly-specific ideas of how things should be ("it works for me, therefore it should work for everyone"), they make a small world, (and if they try to spiritualize their thinking, a small god), and they will inevitably alienate people.

I'm being alienated by some well-meaning people right now. I know what they think and say doesn't matter, but it still hurts. I'm glad for these trials, though, because they are broadening my world, even broadening my faith. The thoughtless words jabbing at me like knives cause me to immediately evaluate my own rhetoric and vow never to do the same to another person (although it is tempting to flip it around on those who are dishing it out on me... even facing that temptation, I hope, will build my own character.)

One of those days when I can't put into words the immense weight of emotions...

...and a movie does it so much better.




Kate, in Last Chance Harvey, said:

"I expected you not to show -- in fact I think I actually almost wanted you not to show because its just easier that way. You -- you just dive in there -- don't you just woosh -- anywhere -- deep end -- and I'm not a bloody swimming pool, Harvey, and I'm not going to do it. I'm not going to do it... because it will hurt... You see, I think that what it is is, I think that I'm more comfortable with being disappointed. I think I'm angry with you for trying to take that away."

Yep, I can identify. Except for the Harvey part. There is no Harvey. No woosh. No one patient enough to try to "take that away." Just the getting comfortable with being disappointed part.


I'm not talking about romance. It's just about showing up. I loved how some of the neighbor ladies do that in the movie, Lars and the Real Girl. When Bianca is "dying," the ladies bring casseroles and come to sit with Lars, 

"That's what people do when tragedy strikes. They come over, and sit." 

So many people feel like they have to offer their two cents about what they would do if they were in my situation, but the fact is such unsolicited advice can often be so full of assumptions that it only serves to confirm my opinion that nobody really understands. (And, even worse, that they don't care enough to invest the effort to try to understand.)


You don't have to understand, if you're willing to just sit. But that is a dying art. 


I'm so lonely, but maybe I can just get used to that. I feel like withdrawing from everyone. It might be better than being misunderstood.


I don't expect anyone to show. But no matter what I say, I do wish someone would. It would be nice to simply be held and comforted. I know God is there for me, I'm not talking about that. 


I wish my mom were here with me.

WOLF

Any Christian who deems him/herself qualified to offer marriage advice to others should read this book.

That's all I have to say.