The World has Changed... and so have I

"People change, and forget to tell each other." 
                                                      - Lillian Hellman

Imagine what it would be like to sleep for a year. When you awoke, what differences would you find?

If you had a baby at the beginning of that year, chances are you might not even recognize the toddler who took her place. 

If you knew someone in the advanced stages of cancer, they might be gone by the time you awoke.

If you had a garden, it would likely be overgrown with weeds and many of the good plants dead.

The scenarios are endless. 

If you lived with someone who was stuck in a rut, however, you might be able to roll over and start up right where you left off without even noticing much of a difference.

What if it was just a few months that you slept? Even that long could make a huge difference depending on if those around you were growing, stagnant, or deteriorating.

What's with the what if's? 

Well, I guess it's time to fill in some of the blanks that I mentioned a couple of posts back. 

Something happened a few months ago. Todd was in a horrible accident. It might sound like a Lifetime movie of the week, but I'm not making this up.

The day before the accident, we had a terrible fight. I can't remember the details--just the emotional residue. Outwardly, it may not have been terrible in volume or anything like that, but inwardly it was crippling. More mind games. More blaming. 

Driving alone in my car, I looked at the guardrail as I crossed an expansive overpass. I allowed the car to drift a bit. 

Hopeless. Communication was hopeless. Todd has such a way of making me feel like I'm crazy--like I'm the cause of all our problems... All while he's verbally saying defeatist words as if he thinks I think HE is to blame. I know it sounds like a vicious cycle. I guess it is, but I sure haven't been able to figure out how to break it. I mean, I can temporarily stop it by being a doormat and serving as the buffer between him and the demands of reality, but that can only be sustained for so long before a person collapses in exhaustion. It's hard to explain, but I think I might be finally getting a grasp on how it works: 

I know there isn't always someone to blame for everything that is wrong in the world. Things happen. Life can be tough. Healthy couples can make it through stresses because they face them together. 

But when I would try to talk to Todd about a difficulty we were facing, he would get defensive. Any suggestion that would require him to compromise his comfort (even if it were a compromise for me, too) would be seen as an attack on him, or blaming him. So he'd lash out with pity-party rhetoric, saying, "Well, I guess I just can't do anything right!" or something like that. 

Since I was not on a blame-driven mission, that would throw me off guard. I would become frustrated with my own apparent inability to communicate, and I would start second guessing myself. 

"I just can't talk with you!" he would frequently add, walking away in a huff... OR, even worse, he would do this weird stare-down thing in which he would just glare at me like I was some sort of insane alien he didn't recognize or something like that. 

Sometimes I would respond, just as I was being treated (like an insane alien--breaking something, grabbing a bottle of booze and locking myself in the bathroom, once I even plunged a knife into my own arm trying to externalize the inner pain and "show" him what his words were doing to me--no need to send for the authorities... I realize that IS crazy, and I won't do it again. By the way, Todd never even checked to be sure I was okay after that. When you cry out for help, be sure to do it in the presence of someone who actually cares.)

Todd usually "won" the what is wrong with you?! stare-down, leaving me wondering that very thing: What was wrong with me? Maybe I really was insane. 

I would walk away (or run away) grappling with that oppressive question, and even though he would be the one voicing the words, "Well, I guess I just can't do anything right!" I would be the one left stewing, and he would go back to life in the status quo as if nothing had happened.

The mind gaming would leave me so confused, one fight would blur into another. With my stewing and trying to figure out what just happened, there would seldom be time between altercations to process the previous dispute, and so when Todd would ask me what was wrong, I really couldn't answer. It was no longer an issue, no longer an event... it was a mood, a suffocating mood... like a gas, choking me and incapacitating me.

So the day before Todd's accident, we clashed again... just before I had to take my son and drop him at a friend's house. I was scared driving my child, because I knew I was not in shape to drive...but still I needed to get out of the house--to get away from Todd. I poured every ounce of my will-power and concentration on driving safely, knowing that as soon as my son got out of the car it wouldn't matter any more. There would be nothing precious to Todd left in the car (other than the car itself, and that would be a small sacrifice to be rid of the thorn in his flesh once and for all).

I let the car drift. The sky reached up over the guardrail, inviting.

Our anniversary was drawing near. I think I mentioned that before. I dreaded the thought of the hypocrisy of it. I thought of the perfect anniversary gift: divorce papers--to free him from this alien woman who always made him feel like he couldn't do anything right. But then I realized that he would see that as just more blame from the bitch for his failure (which he would acknowledge in the moment and then go right back to putting himself and his comfort first in every decision). This would be a way to give him the freedom from my tyranny without the baggage. To be done with it once and for all.

Then I thought of my kids. Those kids who have kept me alive so many times. 

     If not for them, I would be dead by now.

          If not for them, I would have left him long ago and would be more alive...

Paradox upon paradox. What-if games are senseless.

I cried out... no, I screamed out: "I can't take this any longer, God! Am I really as crazy as he says?"

No.

I took control of the wheel and held tight with resolve to be sane.

"I can't live like this any more!" I cried. "This has GOT to change. I'm not like this with anyone else in my life. I know it's not just me." I replayed the evidence of mind-games to convince myself. "I don't know what to do. I may be crazy, but so is he! And he's driving me more and more crazy every day. God, do something. Do ANYTHING!"

I resolved to do my best to keep Todd from pulling me to his level. He might be selfish, but I wouldn't use that as an excuse to be likewise. 

As he sat and watched TV, I started working on cleaning up the family computer so I could install the upgrade he had ordered. I didn't know how to do it, but he said I was better at figuring things like that out. And he was tired of the computer crashing, so when the upgrade came in the mail, it was time. It couldn't wait another day. (That's probably what our earlier argument had been about. I "selfishly" had something else--work-related, if I recall correctly--that I really needed to get done, but he insisted that I drop everything.) Fine. I know my work as a writer is often little more than gambling, and there is no guarantee of a paycheck for what I had been working on... so, I put it off and did what he wanted for the time being... just to keep the peace. I needed some peace to process my thoughts about how to move forward with a divorce.

He went to bed, and I kept on working. The computer was a mess, and I wanted to be sure we didn't lose anything important in the upgrade.

I stayed up almost all night, grabbing an hour-long nap before I had to get up and take my daughter to class. I was so tired, I decided to do something I never do: to take a quick nap before picking her up an hour later. While I was sleeping, the call came. 

Groggy, it took a while to piece together the surreal information. It was the paramedics. They were calling from Todd's phone. He had been in a terrible accident, was unconscious and was being rushed to the nearest emergency room.

He was in a coma, but he pulled through. Recovery is gradual and we have no idea what it will look like in the long run. 

Todd may be greatly changed by the accident, but while he was sleeping, I changed, too. I can't go back. Won't go back. Todd is in no condition to be able to talk about our relationship yet, but his psychologist told me that if there is any silver lining to this whole situation it is this: Now is the perfect time for laying down new rules and boundaries. I believe that my "break" from Todd did help me start clearing my head and sorting things out. That change had already started before the accident, I just forgot to tell him (forget sounds cool, but actually I didn't know how to tell him.) I still don't know how I will tell him... but I know I will have to.

While Todd was sleeping, I didn't fall in love with Bill Pullman (although I will admit I think he is cute), but I did start respecting myself a little bit more.