As of today, quit has sprinted out into the lead, but I'm too busy to do anything about it.
Todd just dumped a load of paperwork on me to "do now." He's had it for a week, but didn't tell me about it until the day it's due. I already had a full slate of things to do today, and when I didn't react with glee to his not-so-nicely worded "request," he launched into an argument about how what he was asking me to do was "easy" and he didn't understand why I have to turn everything into a fight. I'm too tired for these mind games. Maybe I really am the problem--overreacting and lacking in meekness and generosity. I know he believes his point of view is without flaw . . . so, I consider the fact that I am equally as stubborn as he.
After he finally let up (ie. left for "work"*), I was left shaken and confused. What happened? Why do these confrontations always leave me feeling so confused? Like sci-fi quality alternate realities are being constructed around me and I awake in the midst of a landscape that is totally unfamiliar . . . and Todd looks at me blankly as if nothing has changed. Is he deluded or schizophrenic or (?) himself, or is it a more sinister, intentional mind game he plays with me--trying to drive me crazy??? OR . . . maybe I actually am crazy--insane--mentally ill??? I don't know the answer, but I do know that it's hard to function in the simplest of tasks when you are questioning your own sanity.
One of my older daughters who was home during the argument came out from her room to comfort me. I apologized for the uproar. She said she understood. I said that Todd might be right--maybe the problem is all me. She then said, very precisely and deliberately: "Trust me. As an objective observer, I can tell you without a doubt, it's not you." I didn't want to get into it any more with her--to involve her in worries that shouldn't be hers to bear, so I welcomed the interruption of a phone call reminding me that it was time to rev up the mommy-taxi and go pick up the younger kids from their various activities. I wish I could accept her reassurance that I'm not insane, but I question whether the tie that binds mother and daughter is too strong for there to be true objectivity.
Work calls. The day is already more than half over, and I haven't started on my writing project yet . . . or hemming the dress my youngest daughter needs for a formal dance tomorrow . . . or numerous other bullet points on my never-ending "to do" list. BUT, Todd's paperwork is done. Now, all I have to do is try to pull myself together emotionally so I can really focus on my work. The producer on the project I'm doing just called and he needs a specific write-up delivered to him by tomorrow for a last minute meeting with some investors. Oh, and I'd better figure out what I'm making for dinner. My work day won't really get going until everyone else is fed and sound asleep.
*the mocking tone of voice indicated by "work" in quotation marks is because Todd says he only has about three hours of work today, and I know I have many more than that, but because I don't leave the house or punch a time clock, he seems to keep forgetting that I too have "work" to do -- I still owe work on a writing project for which I've already received an advance . . . and that's not to mention all the unpaid housework and hours of caring for and driving around his kids . . . .
that is a familiar scenario...probably plays itself out it most households. Todd is trying to make his procrastination your problem. Haven't you seen those little signs in doctor's offices that say, " your late excuses are not our problem." If you would finish reading the "boundaries" book, you would start to see that you can actually just say, "no". You don't have to feel guilty. You don't "have" to save him from himself. However, you have to decide if you are on the same team. I "do" many things for my husband because we are a team and I want to lighten his load. If Todd only was going to work three hours then you did not need to lighten his load. If he had all week to do the simple thing, then just politely say "no". You seem to be afraid he might throw a temper tantrum. I asked you before, what would happen if you said no? would he hit you? would he refuse to have sex with you? would he give you the silent treatment? Would he leave you? What is the fear? ARe you afraid God would be dissappointed that you don't ask how high, when he says jump? I still don't get it? I suspect your daughter is able to be objective. I think she can be trusted.
ReplyDeleteLet me tell you a story about my daughter. She stood in the doorway while I did my absolute best to break up my husband and my 18 year old from physically fighting. Their tempers had flared over seemingly nothing and my son had called my husband an inappropriate name. I had just come out of the shower with only a towel around my nakedness. I positioned myself between the two grown men trying to reason with them. I was appealing to my husband's maturity and though I was not condoning the namecalling of my son, I was trying to help him ignore it for the moment until the adrenaline would stop pumping through their collective brains. THe altercation moved me with them into my youngest daughters room and at one point I was completely naked, my towel had been dislodged and I found myself on the bottom of the heap. THey were so engaged in their ridiculas battle they never notice me at all. My daughter standing in the doorway said in a very calm voice, "mom! they are not even paying any attention to you." I got up packed up the car and left with both daughters. It was not until the next day, that both male adults realized the full extent of their stupidity. My point being, my daughter could clearly see what was going on! I took her perspective because she was right and she was not imbroiled in the madness that was ensuing.
You need some fresh perspective! You are doing the same thing I was...! same thing different circumstances. You are not insane! trust your daughter! Tell TOdd, next time you procrastinate, I will not rescue you. And then when it happens, which it will....don't do it! keep your word!
P.s your other daughter is old enough to hem her own dress! and any one of the kids in your house can make dinner for themselves and everyone else. You need to stop thinking they are children. Your paying job should be your priority. Make it a priority!
I had another thought about your inability to say "no" to your husband. You seem so unsure of "when to say no, and when to say yes" Yes is not always the "right" answer nor the best answer. You need discernment. Discernment is wisdom, it is insight. You can ask God for eyes to see! He can help you "see" when to say yes and when to say no. Your behavior mirrors an addict who can't say No to chemicals because the habit is over taking his brain and sending powerful signals that are actually self distructive. Lies are getting through to the core of the addicts being. He can't see that he desparately needs to say no to bad things and yes to good things.
ReplyDeleteBridgit! you are a good girl! But you are stuck. Ask for eyes to see what is going on underneath the surface of your reality. Step back and put some space between each move you make through out the day. Only say yes to things you "want" to do. If you don't "want" to do something then say No! politely that is. As soon as your head starts using the words, "I should", stop yourself. Take a step back and reevaluate if the "should" is a lie. Real loving and kindness comes from the "I want to" place. If you do more "shoulds" then "wants" you become bitter on the inside. It is ugly, when that happens. Free yourself! Transition out of "mommy" to a free adult individual who loves her own self so much that she wouldn't want to retard anyone by saying yes when she must say no. You are responsibile to manage your own emotional health, physical health and spiritual health. You are not responsibile for any one else. Your children and your husband are big people now. Take a deep breath! rest in knowing you have a God who is preparing you ahead of time for each new conflict. Sit in that knowledge. Quit thinking you are going insane. That is not true. That insane feeling is the "floundering" in the dark, feeling. When you feel that way, you know you have to step back, slow down and get some perspective. SOmetimes it takes a minute, or a day or a week. SOmetimes another person in the room can see what you can't see. THis blog is a way of looking at situations from other people's perspective. YOU ARE on the right track!
What would he do? What is the fear? Good questions.
ReplyDeleteI don’t really think he would hit me... although, come to think about it more deeply, I do wonder if physical violence is a fear that lingers at the back of my mind. He did hit me once—years ago, when he got especially frustrated with me in the midst of a verbal argument... it was more of a “snap out of it!” type hit, and he promised to never do it again. I’ve heard the saying, “If he hits you once, he’ll do it again,” but it’s been over 20 years since it happened, and he has kept his word.
Initially, I would say that I fear the mind games because of how off-balance they leave me feeling—confused, unsure of reality.... Also, although Todd is not normally physically violent toward people, he can really rip into a person verbally, and each time he does, it makes me hate him more. And he IS violent toward objects around him—throwing things, breaking things, and leaving the messes for others to deal with. I know what you will say—don’t deal with his messes—don’t enable him—leave them for him to fix.
I really try to leave those things for him to take care of; however, since I’m the one at home with the children, I do have to be concerned about the functionality and safety of the home.... broken glass can’t stay on the floor indefinitely without someone getting hurt.... and more often than not, the object broken, or left in a pile on the floor, etc. is of more value to me than it is to Todd. If he wants to replace it, he will (without consideration about whether we can afford it), but what if it’s something that can be repaired, but he would more likely just toss it? And what if it’s something I can’t afford to replace? -- Something that contributes to my ability to function better around the house?
Sometimes, I “deal” with the results of his tantrums because otherwise the house would not be live-in-able, it’s a matter of self-preservation. As I’m writing this, I’m thinking, “Yeah, but that’s still enabling.” But the only solution I can think of to truly leave it for him to deal with (without making life miserable and dangerous for the rest of us), would be for me to do like you did and simply physically remove myself and as many of the kids as are still dependent on me from the house... the problem then becomes economic. What if our credit card is too maxed-out to be able to get a hotel room? It seems so unfair that I’m the one who has to leave. I’ve told him to leave several times during altercations like that, but he won’t. “Why should *I* leave MY house?” he asks. I’m trying to tuck away a little money in case it ever gets to that point where leaving seems to be the only option, but what I have wouldn’t last us a week, so I have to really consider each time whether the current circumstances are really a big enough deal to blow the entire wad on it.... Would he even “get it”?
So, back to the question: What am I afraid of? (continued)
So, back to the question: what am I afraid of?
ReplyDelete* that he might throw a temper tantrum? Definitely, and how each time he does, I fear that there will be some physical damage, and I know that there will be damage to my ability to muster up any respect for him.
* that he would hit me? Yes, I hadn’t thought of it consciously, but founded or not, I think I do fear that.
* that he would refuse to have sex with me? Not at all – when he’s already withholding emotional intimacy, why would I even want the emptiness of intimacy that is physical only with someone who doesn’t even seem to like me?
* that he would he give me the silent treatment? No. Silence is golden—especially from someone whose words can cut so deep. I used to be bugged by the silent moping, but not so much any more. I’ve learned how preferable it is to the words that come out when he’s in one of his moods.
* that he would he leave me? No. In fact, I wish so often that he would. I know I’d be happier, and I sometimes wonder if he might not be happier, too (or at least he’d get to see that his family is not as responsible for his unhappiness as he so often indicates with his accusatory demeanor—like the way any remote control that is lost is always someone else’s fault, even if he was the last one who watched television)
* that God would be disappointed? Not really so much a God issue as an issue of inconvenience. I’ve known for some time that we are not a team. I’m just a crutch for a crippled wanna-be athlete. My entire rant in this blog was really triggered more by the WAY in which he asked me to do something than the actual thing that he was asking for. If he could have come to me humbly, saying, “I really blew it, putting this off until the last minute, and now I’m having trouble figuring out how to do it....” and then if he had gone on to ASK for my help, rather than demand it. I guess I didn’t even look at the situation as being a “yes or no” proposition. As has become so typical, it more of a choice between “do or suffer” – a loose/loose proposition. I knew I could say “no,” but I also knew that saying “no” is never the end of it with Todd... the only way to make the suffering he is so adept at inflicting (be it through destructive tantrums, continual interruptions...) go away is to get the job over with. I realize that such response only feeds the monster of my own making, but when you’re about to be devoured, sometimes you offer food in order to even temporarily ward off the attack of a predator—it allows time to regroup and come up with a plan. I know, I know... SO, COME UP WITH A PLAN ALREADY!!!
PS. My daughter had asked me nicely to help with her dress—and well in advance. I may have procrastinated on that a bit myself—it would have been better if I had done it a few days in advance—but I was okay with putting it off because I knew what I had on my calendar (not Todd’s paperwork). I could have told her to do it herself, but hemming a formal gown is not as simple a job as one might think—it really does take an extra pair of hands to pin it to the right length so one won’t trip on it. If it were my gown, I’d solicit someone else’s help to get the length right. So, my paying job, and my daughter’s dress were both fulfillment of commitments I had previously made. What Todd did, passing off the result of his own procrastination to me, would be like me telling Todd he had to hem the dress—except that I know he doesn’t know how to do it....
ReplyDeleteThat brings up a deeper issue that has been building (piling up) over the years: I’ve just begun to recognize the depth of the rut, the extent of pattern, of Todd coming to me with things he “doesn’t know how to do.” Maybe you’d be proud of me for what I said in relation to that claim this time. I said something like this: “Well, I might not know how to do it either. What I do is figure out how to do it. That takes work—it doesn’t just come to you like magic. Maybe YOU need to do the work to figure out how to do some of these things that you don’t know how to do.” Give me a little perspective. Was that as cruel and thoughtless of me to say as Todd seemed to think it was? Boy did he fly off the handle on that!