I vaguely remember, in a college acting class, performing the overdone Carla monologue from Robert Patrick's classic play, Kennedy's Children: "I wanted to be a sex goddess..."
Guess it makes sense that I'd choose such a monologue, especially given the meaning of my name: a snare.
"...I wanted to be the unattainable luring love that drives men on..."
All the time in college, not being asked out, was taking a toll on my self-esteem. With each passing banquet that I wasn't invited to, I felt more and more unwanted. Then along came my Hollywood agent and the discovery that I could, in fact, manipulate men... at least some men (but rarely the ones I wanted).
As the character said in the monologue, I still wanted to be that poetic "angle of light" in the eyes of Jared or Glenn (if I couldn't have Doug)... but they all seemed to be unmoved.
They were unmoved, but that wasn't the case with all men. As time wore on, I discovered that physical attraction was not the only thing I had control over when it came to manipulating men. I learned a sensual tension that could even be sparked with the right clever words delivered in the right manner. As much as I loved (and still love) words, it delighted me to discover that there were men who found mental intrigue sexy. Unfortunately, I didn't learn this until after I was married.
I know I'm not nearly as physically attractive now as I used to be. I often feel invisible to the men who pass by me these days; however, there are still times when I feel that I have to pull back on some invisible force, some "lure" that is so deeply a part of me that it sneaks to the surface when I least expect it. That may be delusional.
This past week, I've been away on business--in a different environment, miles and miles away from home and family, and husband. I've met a lot of new people, most of them men, and I've felt some of their eyes wandering enough that my friend and I joked about getting t-shirts with bold letters across the chest that read: "These are not my eyes." It's been rather annoying, but the one thing that hasn't been annoying is the one gentleman, who has seemed rather intrigued with me, conversing with me on a deeper level and seeming to appreciate my mind and talent. Once again, I may be totally reading things into his interaction with me, but I must say the attention (even if it's purely in my imagination) has been nice. Like the Kennedy's Children monologue said, Marilyn Monroe claimed that she didn't want to be a sex goddesses--she wanted to be a human being. So often, I feel like all my husband really wants me for is for my body, and that is so empty to me.
At an after-party tonight, I had enough to drink to get a little loopy and let down my guard a bit more than I probably should have. You could say that I was a little flirty with this guy. It certainly wasn't blatant, and nothing "bad" happened, but I did find myself wishing that I weren't married, knowing that if I weren't I definitely would have upped the flirtation level and possibly even been open to a little fling. It's hard to be yearning so deeply for a mental connection that seems impossible with my mate. This fellow probably wouldn't be a Mr. Right either, but to me he served as a reminder that there might be men out there with whom I could have such a deeper connection, and that even if there are, I can't have them.
Sigh. Heavy sigh.
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