guardrail

Staying on track can be tough when the road ahead is long and indefinite. I had that urge again today... I wouldn't say it was a suicidal impulse. Not quite that drastic. But driving along with Todd in the passenger seat, I realized how familiar the feeling of this pressure building in my chest has become.

Waiting for a stoplight to change, I found myself momentarily outside of my body, outside of the vehicle looking in at the middle-aged woman with her head cupped in her left hand as she leaned toward the door in emotional exhaustion. The sight was jarring. Could that be me?

The grip of the tightness in my chest confirmed it. And I welcomed the destruction my emotional state seems to be placing on my body. Maybe that will be my escape, I thought... but to what? An out-patient visit for some stress-induced malady, followed by an even more stressful attempt at recovery in a house that still revolves around Todd? Even a hospital stay could not be long enough. No, I guess I should fight for my health.

Those moments of wanting to give up (no matter how brief) scare me.

I've learned that joy doesn't just happen, though. You have to go after it deliberately. Some people take a short cut and settle for a cheap substitute, but I know you sometimes not only have to wade through some crap to get there... sometimes you have to pause and scrape the crap off your own shoes before you can go on. Denying the existence of the crap will not help you to tread any more lightly.

So, I'm examining my past habits to try to learn where I've gone wrong.

A good friend loaned me a book titled How to Spot a Dangerous Man Before You Get Involved. I can see Todd all over in it... but that's not the troubling thing, that's not the thing to focus on, no, that's not the thing at all.

The perplexing thing is: Why on earth did I make the choices I made to get where I am now? The whole "just make better choices from here on out" approach doesn't cut it, because if I'm honest with myself, I see that just having "been hurt" is no guarantee that I've really learned my lesson -- that I've really broken the patterns that led to hooking up with Todd. 

No one wants to walk through the crap with you. It's something you have to do alone (unless you can afford a therapist.) I'll be okay. I'll even be stronger. Healthier. More complete. I'm just not there yet, and therefore, I'm not fit to be around others. It would be unfair to drain them. 

Sometimes I think it would be nice to have someone to act as a guardrail at those times that frighten me... those times when the lure of non-existence becomes too great. 

I know God is there. His Word is a guardrail. But people's interpretations of it are not... in fact, sometimes they are a gap in the guardrail, complete with a steep incline leading to that gap.

The books I've been reading lately all remind me that it's time for a make-over. I'm sure if I shared what's been going on and what I've been thinking with people in my church, they would be in a hurry to get Todd and me into "couples' counseling." As far as I'm concerned right now, however, my relationship with Todd is a non-issue. I can't change him. I can't make decisions for him. And I definitely can't trust him. We each need to deal with our own issues or "couples' counseling" would be not only a waste of time, but quite possibly one of those gaping holes in the guardrail. 

When I look at how I keep veering toward that darn guardrail, I know that I can't trust myself, either. But I can make decisions for myself. And if I'm willing to critically evaluate my previous decisions and the patterns they follow, I can change. If I can be honest with myself about where I am in that process, I believe I can eventually come to trust myself again. Until then, I'm going to have to be careful who I trust.

Stepping Outside of Myself

I found a new movie to love. A friend recommended that I watch The Prizewinner of Defiance, Ohio because elements of the storyline reminded her of Todd and me. 


It is a true story of a woman who chose not to allow her circumstances to rob her of happiness, and managed to raise ten children to healthy, well-adjusted adulthood (in spite of an alcoholic husband whose irresponsible behavior often sabotaged her greatest efforts). 


Julianne Moore's portrayal of Evelyn Ryan embodied what director Jane Anderson referred to as a certain "Midwestern Zen" -- that unshakable belief that good can come out of even the most tragic situations. 

Evelyn Ryan is my new hero. Not because of what she lived through or put up with, but rather because of how valiantly she fought to keep Kelly (her husband) from pulling her down to his level of negativity and hopelessness.

It was painful to watch the husband in the film destroy his own home when he was drunk, and it was even worse to see him pathetically attempting to make up for it with a cup of tea when he sobered up. No amount of tea could cover for the weight of the expectations Kelly Ryan heaped on his wife. He was heart-breakingly pathetic -- like a poster child for impotency.

The codependent in me felt badly for Todd as we watched the film, because I wondered if he would think I knew what it was about ahead of time and was playing the film merely as a way of pointing a finger at him. How could he possibly not see himself in the character of Kelly Ryan?

And yet Evelyn stayed. 'Til death finally parted them in their old age. 

Whether or not she did it because of her faith, "for the kids," or simply because that was what people did back then is beside the point. The way in which she stayed was definitely beneficial for the kids, and possibly even for Evelyn herself. Evelyn's life embodied the beauty of how forgiveness sets free the one who forgives. I still don't believe forgiveness means having to stay in an abusive situation, but because she was so strong and was able to be that joyful example, Evelyn made an indelible positive mark on the lives of her children . . . and although they were children of an alcoholic, they didn't end up needing years of therapy.

I love this exchange Evelyn has with her daughter, Tuff (who incidentally grows up to become the writer who wrote the memoir about her)

TUFF: Do you ever wish you’d never married Dad?
EVELYN: Gosh, Tuff.
TUFF: Do you?
EVELYN: No. I don’t have any regrets.
TUFF: Come on mom, you’ve been stuck in the house for 20 years cooking and cleaning and taking care of a bunch of crappy kids.
EVELYN: Don’t use that word -- Especially in regards to yourself.
TUFF: But you could be living in a city, writing for a newspaper, having an interesting life.
EVELYN: I do have an interesting life.
TUFF: Your life stinks. Gosh, Mom. Just look at today. You finally get a chance to go somewhere and the lousy car breaks down.
(Evelyn laughs)
TUFF: It’s not fair. If I were you, I’d be angry all the time.
EVELYN: Well, that wouldn’t do me any good now, would it?
TUFF: Gosh sakes, Mom. You’re only human.
EVELYN: Oh Sweetheart. Maybe I’m meant to make it to the [meeting]. Maybe I’m not. But right now I’m sitting in the shade having a conversation with my wonderfully feisty daughter....

"Well, that wouldn't do me any good now, would it?" Oh, that I could be more like Evelyn Ryan! 

Although I've managed to stay with Todd of a quarter of a century, I'm about as far as you can get from heroic... because I've allowed myself to sink down into the dark quagmire with him. I've allowed myself to entertain self-pity and anger . . . and what good has that done me or my children? I'm so far from having this figured out. Even without anger, there is a sort of inequality in the type of relationship Todd and I have that precludes intimacy. I can view him sympathetically, like Kelly in the movie, but that only leads to pitying him -- not trusting or desiring him.

The writer/director, Jane Anderson, made an interesting choice in how to present the Ryan family's story on screen. Studying the advertisements of the era, she found that they often utilized perky housewives stepping out of domestic scenes and talking directly to the camera. That Anderson chose to use this device as a way of narrating the Ryan family story is significant to me as more than just a creative way to tie the film to a very specific time in history. I think it also allows a visible picture of a psychological survival tactic Evelyn Ryan must have employed:

STEPPING OUTSIDE OF HERSELF.

Evelyn was not a Stepford Wife. She was not a suffering doormat for Kelly to walk all over. She maintained strength and dignity in the midst of what many would see as unbearable circumstances. She cried very little in the film (which by all accounts is very faithful to the memoir upon which it is based); however, frequently -- at those moments when most of us (or me at least) would be likely to cry or get mad -- we see Julianne Moore step outside of the scene and talk directly to the camera. I believe Evelyn was able to do the same in a sense . . . and that is probably why she was able to see the humor in situations that were also hurtful. She learned to focus on the positive and kick the rest to the curb.

Evelyn didn't merely survive, she taught her children how to thrive. What a wonderful legacy.

Can I be more like Evelyn Ryan?

I've been trying to step back and disconnect at those times when I feel like I'm going to burst. 

That helps. It's not something that becomes automatic, though. I think that even a strong woman like Evelyn has to step away and recharge.

She was real. She managed this beautiful balance that included being both positive and honest.




Lately I've been feeling a lot like Evelyn in this scene:

Maybe it's okay to withdraw at times like this. To sort things out without a lot of voices cluttering my head.

Here's my latest theory: Denying a dream doesn't make it go away; it only crams it down into some hidden space where it can easily turn into a nightmare. I think you need to allow yourself to grieve a little. A little. Then look for the joy. It's there. Somewhere. Maybe the vehicle you've been banking on won't get you there. Maybe it's time to get out and walk.

“Life is always going to hand you something miserable, but you don’t need to define yourself by either your failure or your pain or by whatever terrible thing someone has done to you.... No matter where you come from, what is done to you, you have the option to thrive." 

(Jane Anderson)

One of those days when I can't put into words the immense weight of emotions...

...and a movie does it so much better.




Kate, in Last Chance Harvey, said:

"I expected you not to show -- in fact I think I actually almost wanted you not to show because its just easier that way. You -- you just dive in there -- don't you just woosh -- anywhere -- deep end -- and I'm not a bloody swimming pool, Harvey, and I'm not going to do it. I'm not going to do it... because it will hurt... You see, I think that what it is is, I think that I'm more comfortable with being disappointed. I think I'm angry with you for trying to take that away."

Yep, I can identify. Except for the Harvey part. There is no Harvey. No woosh. No one patient enough to try to "take that away." Just the getting comfortable with being disappointed part.


I'm not talking about romance. It's just about showing up. I loved how some of the neighbor ladies do that in the movie, Lars and the Real Girl. When Bianca is "dying," the ladies bring casseroles and come to sit with Lars, 

"That's what people do when tragedy strikes. They come over, and sit." 

So many people feel like they have to offer their two cents about what they would do if they were in my situation, but the fact is such unsolicited advice can often be so full of assumptions that it only serves to confirm my opinion that nobody really understands. (And, even worse, that they don't care enough to invest the effort to try to understand.)


You don't have to understand, if you're willing to just sit. But that is a dying art. 


I'm so lonely, but maybe I can just get used to that. I feel like withdrawing from everyone. It might be better than being misunderstood.


I don't expect anyone to show. But no matter what I say, I do wish someone would. It would be nice to simply be held and comforted. I know God is there for me, I'm not talking about that. 


I wish my mom were here with me.

WOLF

Any Christian who deems him/herself qualified to offer marriage advice to others should read this book.

That's all I have to say. 

The World has Changed... and so have I

"People change, and forget to tell each other." 
                                                      - Lillian Hellman

Imagine what it would be like to sleep for a year. When you awoke, what differences would you find?

If you had a baby at the beginning of that year, chances are you might not even recognize the toddler who took her place. 

If you knew someone in the advanced stages of cancer, they might be gone by the time you awoke.

If you had a garden, it would likely be overgrown with weeds and many of the good plants dead.

The scenarios are endless. 

If you lived with someone who was stuck in a rut, however, you might be able to roll over and start up right where you left off without even noticing much of a difference.

What if it was just a few months that you slept? Even that long could make a huge difference depending on if those around you were growing, stagnant, or deteriorating.

What's with the what if's? 

Well, I guess it's time to fill in some of the blanks that I mentioned a couple of posts back. 

Something happened a few months ago. Todd was in a horrible accident. It might sound like a Lifetime movie of the week, but I'm not making this up.

The day before the accident, we had a terrible fight. I can't remember the details--just the emotional residue. Outwardly, it may not have been terrible in volume or anything like that, but inwardly it was crippling. More mind games. More blaming. 

Driving alone in my car, I looked at the guardrail as I crossed an expansive overpass. I allowed the car to drift a bit. 

Hopeless. Communication was hopeless. Todd has such a way of making me feel like I'm crazy--like I'm the cause of all our problems... All while he's verbally saying defeatist words as if he thinks I think HE is to blame. I know it sounds like a vicious cycle. I guess it is, but I sure haven't been able to figure out how to break it. I mean, I can temporarily stop it by being a doormat and serving as the buffer between him and the demands of reality, but that can only be sustained for so long before a person collapses in exhaustion. It's hard to explain, but I think I might be finally getting a grasp on how it works: 

I know there isn't always someone to blame for everything that is wrong in the world. Things happen. Life can be tough. Healthy couples can make it through stresses because they face them together. 

But when I would try to talk to Todd about a difficulty we were facing, he would get defensive. Any suggestion that would require him to compromise his comfort (even if it were a compromise for me, too) would be seen as an attack on him, or blaming him. So he'd lash out with pity-party rhetoric, saying, "Well, I guess I just can't do anything right!" or something like that. 

Since I was not on a blame-driven mission, that would throw me off guard. I would become frustrated with my own apparent inability to communicate, and I would start second guessing myself. 

"I just can't talk with you!" he would frequently add, walking away in a huff... OR, even worse, he would do this weird stare-down thing in which he would just glare at me like I was some sort of insane alien he didn't recognize or something like that. 

Sometimes I would respond, just as I was being treated (like an insane alien--breaking something, grabbing a bottle of booze and locking myself in the bathroom, once I even plunged a knife into my own arm trying to externalize the inner pain and "show" him what his words were doing to me--no need to send for the authorities... I realize that IS crazy, and I won't do it again. By the way, Todd never even checked to be sure I was okay after that. When you cry out for help, be sure to do it in the presence of someone who actually cares.)

Todd usually "won" the what is wrong with you?! stare-down, leaving me wondering that very thing: What was wrong with me? Maybe I really was insane. 

I would walk away (or run away) grappling with that oppressive question, and even though he would be the one voicing the words, "Well, I guess I just can't do anything right!" I would be the one left stewing, and he would go back to life in the status quo as if nothing had happened.

The mind gaming would leave me so confused, one fight would blur into another. With my stewing and trying to figure out what just happened, there would seldom be time between altercations to process the previous dispute, and so when Todd would ask me what was wrong, I really couldn't answer. It was no longer an issue, no longer an event... it was a mood, a suffocating mood... like a gas, choking me and incapacitating me.

So the day before Todd's accident, we clashed again... just before I had to take my son and drop him at a friend's house. I was scared driving my child, because I knew I was not in shape to drive...but still I needed to get out of the house--to get away from Todd. I poured every ounce of my will-power and concentration on driving safely, knowing that as soon as my son got out of the car it wouldn't matter any more. There would be nothing precious to Todd left in the car (other than the car itself, and that would be a small sacrifice to be rid of the thorn in his flesh once and for all).

I let the car drift. The sky reached up over the guardrail, inviting.

Our anniversary was drawing near. I think I mentioned that before. I dreaded the thought of the hypocrisy of it. I thought of the perfect anniversary gift: divorce papers--to free him from this alien woman who always made him feel like he couldn't do anything right. But then I realized that he would see that as just more blame from the bitch for his failure (which he would acknowledge in the moment and then go right back to putting himself and his comfort first in every decision). This would be a way to give him the freedom from my tyranny without the baggage. To be done with it once and for all.

Then I thought of my kids. Those kids who have kept me alive so many times. 

     If not for them, I would be dead by now.

          If not for them, I would have left him long ago and would be more alive...

Paradox upon paradox. What-if games are senseless.

I cried out... no, I screamed out: "I can't take this any longer, God! Am I really as crazy as he says?"

No.

I took control of the wheel and held tight with resolve to be sane.

"I can't live like this any more!" I cried. "This has GOT to change. I'm not like this with anyone else in my life. I know it's not just me." I replayed the evidence of mind-games to convince myself. "I don't know what to do. I may be crazy, but so is he! And he's driving me more and more crazy every day. God, do something. Do ANYTHING!"

I resolved to do my best to keep Todd from pulling me to his level. He might be selfish, but I wouldn't use that as an excuse to be likewise. 

As he sat and watched TV, I started working on cleaning up the family computer so I could install the upgrade he had ordered. I didn't know how to do it, but he said I was better at figuring things like that out. And he was tired of the computer crashing, so when the upgrade came in the mail, it was time. It couldn't wait another day. (That's probably what our earlier argument had been about. I "selfishly" had something else--work-related, if I recall correctly--that I really needed to get done, but he insisted that I drop everything.) Fine. I know my work as a writer is often little more than gambling, and there is no guarantee of a paycheck for what I had been working on... so, I put it off and did what he wanted for the time being... just to keep the peace. I needed some peace to process my thoughts about how to move forward with a divorce.

He went to bed, and I kept on working. The computer was a mess, and I wanted to be sure we didn't lose anything important in the upgrade.

I stayed up almost all night, grabbing an hour-long nap before I had to get up and take my daughter to class. I was so tired, I decided to do something I never do: to take a quick nap before picking her up an hour later. While I was sleeping, the call came. 

Groggy, it took a while to piece together the surreal information. It was the paramedics. They were calling from Todd's phone. He had been in a terrible accident, was unconscious and was being rushed to the nearest emergency room.

He was in a coma, but he pulled through. Recovery is gradual and we have no idea what it will look like in the long run. 

Todd may be greatly changed by the accident, but while he was sleeping, I changed, too. I can't go back. Won't go back. Todd is in no condition to be able to talk about our relationship yet, but his psychologist told me that if there is any silver lining to this whole situation it is this: Now is the perfect time for laying down new rules and boundaries. I believe that my "break" from Todd did help me start clearing my head and sorting things out. That change had already started before the accident, I just forgot to tell him (forget sounds cool, but actually I didn't know how to tell him.) I still don't know how I will tell him... but I know I will have to.

While Todd was sleeping, I didn't fall in love with Bill Pullman (although I will admit I think he is cute), but I did start respecting myself a little bit more.

Outside of Time

Time holds me hostage 

for what price?

I'd pay, if I just knew.

No note requesting ransom sent,

My days are fading, only spent 

In the embrace of clock arms set 

To run indefinitely,

and never set me free.

How can they hold, yet

never touch?

I cry, but hear no sound.

Time's arms, like bars, my soul encase,

Future indefinite I face.

I long to rest in such a place

Where arms of flesh can hold,

See love that's true unfold.

Vows conspire with time 

to trap me

in airtight cask, I’m drained

‘til left a void, an empty shell,

surrender hope, abide in hell,

pretend that all is good and well

I truly am alone.

This world is not my home.

Outside of time lies

Hope and mercy.

He bids me wait and watch.

Guard my frail heart and body,

Though my flesh is heaving, sobbing,

And my weary head is dropping,

I’ll wait to see His face.

That’s where I’ll find my place.

What do you want?

I found this in my drafts folder, unpublished. It's from over a month ago. A lot has changed... and a lot remains the same... and a lot revolves in cycles until, recognized, we are able to break free. I probably didn't post this because I was afraid the subject might stumble upon it. But now I think, "Big deal! Who cares? What is that to me? I have nothing to hide." Or maybe I didn't post it because I knew there was so much back story missing... missing pieces of happenings of late without which none of this will make any sense. Again. Big deal. This blog is mostly for me anyway. For my therapy. I want to remember what I was thinking on 5/9/12, even if it makes sense to nobody else. Perhaps later I'll be able to come back and fill in the blanks. So here it is, for what it's worth:


I commented on a question "my Therapist" posted online... and he replied with something I really didn't understand. I thought we might have a conversation, but then he disappeared on me... like so many others have. Yes, I am truly alone.

Earlier: For the first time in a while of trying hard to hold up and "be strong" as everyone says I must, I sobbed today. Deep, uncontrollable sobs. The type of sobs that reverberate the tumbling ill-fit armor of faux strength. It was freeing in a sense, but left me feeling raw and exposed. I wanted to be enveloped in arms of love, in a healing balm... not to be selfishly comforted, but rather to be truly one in mutual comfort.

Then I saw from his comment that "my Therapist" was sad, too. Sucker. Co-dependant. Why do I gravitate to weakness? Is it because I can't trust those who appear to be strong because I assume they are lying? Or is it because I believe only a weak person could love me? If they had their act together they wouldn't want me dragging them down? Or that they would judge me when I'm already judging myself more than enough, thank you?

I don't know. 

Anyway, he wrote back in cryptic verse. And then he was gone. Was his public airing of his depression just bait to get some sick co-dependent woman to pity him and do who knows what? Maybe he didn't want conversation at all, but rather something else.... and some attractive codependent took him up on it.