What do you want?

I found this in my drafts folder, unpublished. It's from over a month ago. A lot has changed... and a lot remains the same... and a lot revolves in cycles until, recognized, we are able to break free. I probably didn't post this because I was afraid the subject might stumble upon it. But now I think, "Big deal! Who cares? What is that to me? I have nothing to hide." Or maybe I didn't post it because I knew there was so much back story missing... missing pieces of happenings of late without which none of this will make any sense. Again. Big deal. This blog is mostly for me anyway. For my therapy. I want to remember what I was thinking on 5/9/12, even if it makes sense to nobody else. Perhaps later I'll be able to come back and fill in the blanks. So here it is, for what it's worth:


I commented on a question "my Therapist" posted online... and he replied with something I really didn't understand. I thought we might have a conversation, but then he disappeared on me... like so many others have. Yes, I am truly alone.

Earlier: For the first time in a while of trying hard to hold up and "be strong" as everyone says I must, I sobbed today. Deep, uncontrollable sobs. The type of sobs that reverberate the tumbling ill-fit armor of faux strength. It was freeing in a sense, but left me feeling raw and exposed. I wanted to be enveloped in arms of love, in a healing balm... not to be selfishly comforted, but rather to be truly one in mutual comfort.

Then I saw from his comment that "my Therapist" was sad, too. Sucker. Co-dependant. Why do I gravitate to weakness? Is it because I can't trust those who appear to be strong because I assume they are lying? Or is it because I believe only a weak person could love me? If they had their act together they wouldn't want me dragging them down? Or that they would judge me when I'm already judging myself more than enough, thank you?

I don't know. 

Anyway, he wrote back in cryptic verse. And then he was gone. Was his public airing of his depression just bait to get some sick co-dependent woman to pity him and do who knows what? Maybe he didn't want conversation at all, but rather something else.... and some attractive codependent took him up on it.