Stepping Outside of Myself

I found a new movie to love. A friend recommended that I watch The Prizewinner of Defiance, Ohio because elements of the storyline reminded her of Todd and me. 


It is a true story of a woman who chose not to allow her circumstances to rob her of happiness, and managed to raise ten children to healthy, well-adjusted adulthood (in spite of an alcoholic husband whose irresponsible behavior often sabotaged her greatest efforts). 


Julianne Moore's portrayal of Evelyn Ryan embodied what director Jane Anderson referred to as a certain "Midwestern Zen" -- that unshakable belief that good can come out of even the most tragic situations. 

Evelyn Ryan is my new hero. Not because of what she lived through or put up with, but rather because of how valiantly she fought to keep Kelly (her husband) from pulling her down to his level of negativity and hopelessness.

It was painful to watch the husband in the film destroy his own home when he was drunk, and it was even worse to see him pathetically attempting to make up for it with a cup of tea when he sobered up. No amount of tea could cover for the weight of the expectations Kelly Ryan heaped on his wife. He was heart-breakingly pathetic -- like a poster child for impotency.

The codependent in me felt badly for Todd as we watched the film, because I wondered if he would think I knew what it was about ahead of time and was playing the film merely as a way of pointing a finger at him. How could he possibly not see himself in the character of Kelly Ryan?

And yet Evelyn stayed. 'Til death finally parted them in their old age. 

Whether or not she did it because of her faith, "for the kids," or simply because that was what people did back then is beside the point. The way in which she stayed was definitely beneficial for the kids, and possibly even for Evelyn herself. Evelyn's life embodied the beauty of how forgiveness sets free the one who forgives. I still don't believe forgiveness means having to stay in an abusive situation, but because she was so strong and was able to be that joyful example, Evelyn made an indelible positive mark on the lives of her children . . . and although they were children of an alcoholic, they didn't end up needing years of therapy.

I love this exchange Evelyn has with her daughter, Tuff (who incidentally grows up to become the writer who wrote the memoir about her)

TUFF: Do you ever wish you’d never married Dad?
EVELYN: Gosh, Tuff.
TUFF: Do you?
EVELYN: No. I don’t have any regrets.
TUFF: Come on mom, you’ve been stuck in the house for 20 years cooking and cleaning and taking care of a bunch of crappy kids.
EVELYN: Don’t use that word -- Especially in regards to yourself.
TUFF: But you could be living in a city, writing for a newspaper, having an interesting life.
EVELYN: I do have an interesting life.
TUFF: Your life stinks. Gosh, Mom. Just look at today. You finally get a chance to go somewhere and the lousy car breaks down.
(Evelyn laughs)
TUFF: It’s not fair. If I were you, I’d be angry all the time.
EVELYN: Well, that wouldn’t do me any good now, would it?
TUFF: Gosh sakes, Mom. You’re only human.
EVELYN: Oh Sweetheart. Maybe I’m meant to make it to the [meeting]. Maybe I’m not. But right now I’m sitting in the shade having a conversation with my wonderfully feisty daughter....

"Well, that wouldn't do me any good now, would it?" Oh, that I could be more like Evelyn Ryan! 

Although I've managed to stay with Todd of a quarter of a century, I'm about as far as you can get from heroic... because I've allowed myself to sink down into the dark quagmire with him. I've allowed myself to entertain self-pity and anger . . . and what good has that done me or my children? I'm so far from having this figured out. Even without anger, there is a sort of inequality in the type of relationship Todd and I have that precludes intimacy. I can view him sympathetically, like Kelly in the movie, but that only leads to pitying him -- not trusting or desiring him.

The writer/director, Jane Anderson, made an interesting choice in how to present the Ryan family's story on screen. Studying the advertisements of the era, she found that they often utilized perky housewives stepping out of domestic scenes and talking directly to the camera. That Anderson chose to use this device as a way of narrating the Ryan family story is significant to me as more than just a creative way to tie the film to a very specific time in history. I think it also allows a visible picture of a psychological survival tactic Evelyn Ryan must have employed:

STEPPING OUTSIDE OF HERSELF.

Evelyn was not a Stepford Wife. She was not a suffering doormat for Kelly to walk all over. She maintained strength and dignity in the midst of what many would see as unbearable circumstances. She cried very little in the film (which by all accounts is very faithful to the memoir upon which it is based); however, frequently -- at those moments when most of us (or me at least) would be likely to cry or get mad -- we see Julianne Moore step outside of the scene and talk directly to the camera. I believe Evelyn was able to do the same in a sense . . . and that is probably why she was able to see the humor in situations that were also hurtful. She learned to focus on the positive and kick the rest to the curb.

Evelyn didn't merely survive, she taught her children how to thrive. What a wonderful legacy.

Can I be more like Evelyn Ryan?

I've been trying to step back and disconnect at those times when I feel like I'm going to burst. 

That helps. It's not something that becomes automatic, though. I think that even a strong woman like Evelyn has to step away and recharge.

She was real. She managed this beautiful balance that included being both positive and honest.




Lately I've been feeling a lot like Evelyn in this scene:

Maybe it's okay to withdraw at times like this. To sort things out without a lot of voices cluttering my head.

Here's my latest theory: Denying a dream doesn't make it go away; it only crams it down into some hidden space where it can easily turn into a nightmare. I think you need to allow yourself to grieve a little. A little. Then look for the joy. It's there. Somewhere. Maybe the vehicle you've been banking on won't get you there. Maybe it's time to get out and walk.

“Life is always going to hand you something miserable, but you don’t need to define yourself by either your failure or your pain or by whatever terrible thing someone has done to you.... No matter where you come from, what is done to you, you have the option to thrive." 

(Jane Anderson)

Nudge, Nudge, Wink, Wink, Say No More... The Gospel According to Monty Python

I've always loved how seemingly unrelated subjects can piece together and create a sense of unity, integration. My favorite classes in college were those that combined disciplines. A compartmentalized life is no life at all--it is merely a mechanical drudgery. There is a certain flow that makes me feel more comfortable in my world and in my skin when I am able to recognize the interconnectedness of it all.

A blog I recently read, entitled Learning to Be Unhappy, made this excellent point:

"Alot of people that I work with have been learning to be unhappy much of their lives. The tendency is to compartmentalise their lives and say that they are doing great at work but their home life is a mess or vice-versa . This is a false dichotomy . You have one life - not a "home life" and a "work life" and a "something else life." And if any one aspect of your life is out of whack, your life is not working and the ramifications are felt everywhere."

"You have one life." I like that. It resonates of all that has seemed most truthful in all my years of existence. Everything is more bearable when put in the proper perspective. Pain wasn't meant to be separated from love (and visa versa), just as seriousness wasn't meant to overshadow silliness. It all pieces together and enriches the totality of this thing we call life.

Likewise, at the risk of sounding heretical, I love it when Biblical Scripture meets Monty Python. Follow me, if you will, down the bunny trail of my ADD (if you have a similar mind, this will make sense, if not... well, enjoy being normal).

In the quest to find God's answers to my relational woes, I've been reading a lot in Proverbs, the Gospels, and Ephesians lately. I was going to make a blog entry with some of the verses that have been jumping out at me (especially Proverbs)--verses that have been speaking to me about what it means to be a helpmeet and how "speaking the truth in love" fits in. As any reader who has been following me lately knows, I've really been grappling with the balance of calling out those things which I find unacceptable in a relationship and being humble enough to search out those things that are unacceptable in me. The verse from Matthew 7:3 about how we should take the plank out of our own eyes before attempting to take the speck out of a brother's eye has been a touchstone. So, in preparing to blog, I googled "plank eye images" and found this lovely gem:

The image led me to the blog it was created for: a piece entitled Yank the Plank by Steve Lummer. Since this blog was part two of a post on “Negotiating Change with people you care about”. I thought it might be a good idea to also look at part one, so I checked out Steve's archives.

ADD prevailing (or divine guidance or a simple case of getting lost), I ended up stumbling upon a different (but nonetheless appropriate) entry: Mending Broken Relationships (yet another case of things tying together.) The verse about soup and steak at the beginning was a verse I had just read earlier today, and there was some really good stuff to chew on in that blog. In answer to the question, "Are relational deaths predictable?", Blogger Lummer cited the three "R"s of Resentment, Retaliation, and Resignation as predecessors of relational death. The verse he connected to resignation fit in so well with the discussion that developed in the comments on my Is Honesty the Best Policy? Even on a Holiday? blog. He quoted the verse from the Good News Translation of the Bible (which, although the deep meaning may be the same, on the surface it sounds quite different from the translations I am used to reading). The verse read:

“Someone who holds back the truth causes trouble, but one who openly criticizes works for peace."

Proverbs 10.10 (Good News)

This is where Monty Python comes in. (And you thought I was lost on that bunny trail!) When I googled Proverbs 10:10 the King James Version translation jumped out at me, reminding me of a favorite old Monty Python sketch...

"He that winketh with the eye causeth sorrow: but a prating fool shall fall."

Proverbs 10:10 (KJV)

...a sketch that incidentally refers to marriage.

All of this rambling brings me nicely back to my original intention of today's blog. It seems that most of the comments on this blog have come from other women, who are or have been in situations similar to mine. That's great. It helps so much to know that I'm not alone. However, since I'm not wanting to stall out in pity party mood or define myself (or my sisters) by our misery, I'm hoping that some readers who have seen the other side to the equation (the male perspective), might comment on how a wife can fulfill the role of helpmeet, and speak the truth in love. I do realize that there are a lot of times when we're better off remaining silent and letting our actions speak... but there are times when remaining silent seems an awful lot like winking and unwittingly condoning destructive behavior.

Case in point: Yesterday, a man who has given Todd work in the past left a message on our phone, saying that since Todd hadn't returned his calls when he had called to ask him to work, this man had hired someone else to do the work. He said he hoped Todd was finding work because he knew times were hard and we needed it, but he couldn't wait around while Todd was apparently "hiding under a rock." He mentioned the name of the person he had given the job to and gave a ballpark estimate of how much the man had made on that and another job he had passed his way because Todd would not respond. In the time since this man dropped by to see Todd because his calls were not being answered (when Todd was sleeping in and refused to come to the door), this other man was estimated to have made about five thousand dollars. During that same time period, Todd has only deposited five hundred dollars to our bank account. We are so deeply in debt and on the verge of late payments all the time that five thousand would have been a dream. The message this man left was not harsh, but he was trying to be honest and speak the truth in love. He was obviously trying to open Todd's eyes to missed opportunities so that he wouldn't miss them in the future. He didn't have to take the time to do this. What was Todd's reaction? He called up the other guy--the one who was hired to the work--and quizzed him to try to find holes in the boss's story.

"[The boss] didn't pay Edgar, someone else did, and that job didn't pay five thousand dollars... more like half that amount," Todd said. He completely ignored the fact that the boss was referring to more than one job and that he never claimed to have been the one who paid the man or to have known the exact amount. Todd was nit-picking details to try to prove that he hadn't been foolish (defensively shifting blame, as usual), and yet, the proof is in our near-to-overdrawn bank account.

So, then I'm reading in Proverbs and I come across the verse:

"He who disdains instruction despises his own soul, but he who heeds rebuke gets understanding. The fear of the LORD is the instruction of wisdom, and before honor is humility."

-Proverbs 15:32-33

and

"Folly is joy to him who is destitute of discernment, but a man of understanding walks uprightly. Without counsel, plans go awry, but in the multitude of counselors they are established." (v. 21-22)

It would be one thing if Todd didn't claim to believe that Bible stuff, but he sees himself as righteous. What am I to make of that?

"A scoffer does not love one who corrects him, nor will he go with the wise." (v. 12)

We're supposed to be a team--one flesh. I'm getting tired of being on the losing team.

"The LORD will destroy the house of the proud, but He will establish the boundary of the widow." (v. 25)

I feel like a widow. What's a wife to do when hubby's just not getting it and it's become more than she can bear? I'd like to hear a husband's reply.

Is there a way that the truths stated above can be shared in humility, in a way that would get through to a man's heart?

"A soft answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger. The tongue of the wise uses knowledge rightly, but the mouth of fools pours forth foolishness."

-Proverbs 15:1-2

Unless things change, I'm just not ever going to be able to be "a go" or "a sport" with him without feeling like a total fraud if you know what I mean... nudge, nudge, wink, wink... say no more.