Why would I want to hop back on the wheel?

WOLF

Any Christian who deems him/herself qualified to offer marriage advice to others should read this book.

That's all I have to say. 

This Social Network

This is the point in the script where things start connecting--perhaps faster than our protagonist can handle. I received a message from someone from my past on a social network today. She had to have done some sleuthing to find me because I'm only listed on that network by my maiden name, and I'm pretty sure she never knew my maiden name. My initial reaction was "I hate the internet." I've got my privacy settings pretty high, yet not so high that those who truly know me can't find me. It's an interesting balance to strike--especially if you have chapters of your past that you'd rather forget.

For those who have read the Charlie chapter of the story of Bridget, you know that there were others privy to our marital woes (or at least to my sinful reaction to the marital woes). You may even remember the pastor whose counsel almost gave me the courage to give in to suicidal impulses... and to be fair I must admit that he also offered me the sage advice that a separation in order for us to work on our individual problems might be beneficial. (In retrospect, I know that would have been preferable to the way we just ran away, and ultimately clung to our old codependent habits.)

Running away is how we handled the situation back then. Our lives were tangled up with complications--work and home and friends and church overlapped* way too much for us to find any place where we could feel safe enough to deal with our problems. Our counselor even advised us to leave, citing that we needed to have a place of our own where we could retreat from work and focus on our relationship. Her advise led to us renting a house for the first time in years--a place that would not be invaded by the demands of employers we were in debt to for the roof over our heads--and leaving a church that had been a source of demands and judgement in disproportionate balance to support. If we had stayed (or if one of us had stayed) separation would have been the only way to survive. [*The overlap served as a sort of a cancellation of each of us as individual entities--the majority of the people in our lives saw us as a single unit . . . and thus, when they were disappointed by Todd, they would express disappointment in me.]

Looking back, I realize that the biggest reason I couldn't handle staying there was because I would need to really stand up for myself and push away from enabling Todd in order to not go crazy. Todd pulled me into his world of delusion more than I ever realized. He reacted to criticism of our employers by demonizing them, and because people are imperfect, I was able to see the flaws in those he was demonizing and it magnified my distrust of them. The church did contribute to the gluing us together with "till death do us part" expectations--approaching me as if Todd and I really were one, even when I had little to no sway over his irresponsible behavior... they should have held him more directly accountable and not always put me in the middle. But I also should have stood up for myself. Todd and I were bound more tightly in our disfunction than I realized. If they had truly worked with us as individuals, things might have worked, but we seemed to be so inextricably "one" in their eyes that there was no other way. So, we left. We didn't move too far--only about 15 miles--but in a metropolitan area, it was enough distance to pretty much avoid seeing all the people from our old life.

I have a phobia of that little suburb 15 miles from my doorstep. There are times that I have to go there, and my hair practically stands on end if I get too close to the place we lived. One time Todd was driving, and he jokingly started to swerve the car as if he was going to pull in the driveway to the old church. My heart nearly stopped and I had nightmares for weeks after that. There were some pretty awful things that went on in that place, and I frequently deal with the fact that I haven't been "reconciled" with those "brothers and sisters" in the Lord by putting them in a different category from the "real" church: It was a cult--a bunch of self-righteous fringe lunatics--looneys who are not to be trusted.

Then, in the midst of my safe oasis of friends on my social network, a message shows up from that pastor's wife. She's hoping that Todd and I will be able to attend the church's anniversary celebration coming up soon. She says that she and her husband think of us often and pray that all is well. My defenses instantly erect about me. Distrust. Sure you wish us well. Sure you want us back there for the anniversary... an anniversary... what a convenient excuse to snoop around in our business for your own amusement. I look at her profile and see pictures from the cruises she's gone on with her husband. Lifestyles of the Rich and Famous Clergy. They were happy to move into a wealthy area to minister, because the lifestyle fit them so well. It was incidental that they had to live that way to minister to the natives. Suffering for the Lord. Ha! Past hurt excavates the ugly depths of my soul. Envy. Judgment. Demonization. Then I realize something that had evaded me until now. These attitudes toward this couple... are they really my own? Are they perhaps more Todd's narcissistic reaction to people who refused to accept his delusions as true? God! How much of his crap have I incorporated in the way I deal with others over the years?

I'm going to have to pray about this message sitting like a weight in my inbox. Initially, I thought I'd ignore it. Why would I want to open up that can of worms? But even in the amount of time it has taken to write this message, I've begun to wonder if the timing of this might be more than coincidence. Could this perhaps be providential? a gift? a catalyst for my grow-up plan--my attempt to uncover any delusion that is crippling me? An answer to the prayer I've been praying from the Psalms 119:29?

Remove from me the way of lying,
And grant me Your law graciously.

The only reason to answer and reconnect with this couple I've avoided for so many years would be if it could promote honesty and healing. I really don't need any more nice role-playing in my life.

What Have I Done to Help Him?

Here's something I've been chewing on...

New Life Live: May 27, 2011

Did this comment from the first caller come straight from my blog or what?

“I have no more emotional energy for him, and I just want to move on and be able to start taking some action for my life and for my kids.... I keep my emotional distance from him because there was a lot of belittling—a lot of devaluing—of what I was presenting to the table....”

The counselor's reply, also, seemed in step with some of the things that I've been grappling with.

“Sounds like to me... that you’ve really held onto some big resentments toward him... and he’s given you... fertilizer to grow the resentments... and then you combine this justifiable resentment... down inside you really feel you’re entitled to more than what he is bringing to this marriage. So, you’ve got this entitlement and this resentment causing you to have absolutely no interest in a life with this man....”

The question of "What have you done with respect to counseling . . . and assessment [for his depression]?" kind of ties in with the challenge one of the "anon" comments issued of speaking up so that Todd will have the opportunity to make right choices . . . but then also takes it to a level of not just calling things out and expecting him to deal with it, but also basically holding his hand and leading him to initiate his own recovery.

The counselor advises the caller to say this to her husband:

“We’ve been through a lot. We’re kind of stagnant and I’m getting pretty miserable. And I know that back there in the back when we got together there was a lot of love and emotion and affection for each other. I want to see if we can find that again. And here’s what I’d like you to do—I want you to go to [counseling] with me and that’s all that I’m going to ask you to do....” If he doesn’t go or won’t go... “If you’re not willing to do that—give me one weekend—I’m going to file for legal separation.”

The ". . . there was a lot of love and emotion and affection for each other . . ." part feels like a lie, but otherwise, this really fits. Maybe I'm "making a lot of excuses" for not doing what good advise has told me to do. I am tired. I don't have the emotional energy. I don't know that I really even want things to work out . . . but I know that both Todd and I need to get emotionally healthy if there is any chance of things working out. I'm content working on me now. Perhaps I need to find the boldness to at least say:

“If you want me... I need you to do the emotional growth that I have been doing. It’s a combination of emotional and spiritual growth, and I need to see a part of that...”

Since I don't have the energy, I'm just going to share a few more great quotes from this show:

“Whatever you do to get out of limbo, you’re going to have to do something pretty drastic and different in order to get out of this limboville.”

“Narcissists don’t get help unless their world is really rocked.”

This was great:

Kids learn a lot from a parent’s reaction to someone who is unkind... that means getting some support for yourself...

The Secret - part three

This is a continuation. If you haven't read the previous post(s), you really should go back and get caught up.


So, years have gone by. A few friends know my deep dark secret (or at least a portion of it.) I can count them on one hand and still have room for the extended family who know. You might say my secret is safe... but not really. You see, there are those who are neither family nor friends who saw it as their business to spread the word. They wouldn't call what they did "gossip" because they are "Christians," but rather they baptize that insatiable drive to jaw-flappin' voyeurism under the umbrella of "sharing prayer requests."

I don't say any of this to bash Christianity. True Christian faith is firmly founded on the principle that "all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God" (Romans 3:23.) A true, redeemed Christian knows that he is redeemed only by the grace of God. A true, redeemed Christian is ever vigilant to keep from slipping into the trap of pride and shifting focus to the sins of others to make himself "look better." True Christianity is beautiful and humble.

What I experienced from my church, did not fit into any of the above definitions. Understandably, when Todd learned that the child I was carrying was potentially not his, he went to the pastor for counseling. What happened as a result was almost enough to drive me, in my already emotionally distraught state, to gather the "courage" to go through with the suicidal impulses that were plaguing me. Perhaps the pastor was just trying to "help" in his own misguided human way, but it came off very differently. It felt more like he was enjoying our predicament for it's entertainment value... and he was so entertained, he couldn't help but pass it on.

My parents were visiting from out of state at the time, and the pastor insisted on having a meeting with not only me, but he demanded that my parents join us. If I would not tell my parents, he said he would do so himself. (Now mind you, I was not a little girl still living with my family of origin--I had been married for almost ten years and had been away from their home longer than that.) I have very little recollection of the meeting other than my mind wandering to all the ways I could end my life to appease the demands for atonement that this pastor would not leave for Jesus and me to work out on our own. The pastor didn't counsel me; he drilled me.

It wasn't long before I learned from a lady at church that she had heard what had happened from her husband, who had heard it from the pastor as he had presented our "situation" to the church board for "prayer." The thing is, after that, the whispering and finger-pointing seemed to squeeze out any evidence of prayer. I couldn't attend a service there without wondering who was in on the "prayer requesting" (notice, I didn't say "praying"--that's because, once the "request" for prayer has been shared, the sinful itch to gossip has been relieved, and it's much easier to move on with one's mundane life until the next entertainment-seeking itch rears it's ugly head.)

The one helpful thing that the church did offer came only when I refused counseling from the pastor. I can't remember if I told him he was giving me courage to kill myself or not, but I really hope I did. He decided to refer us to a Christian therapist outside our church. We went for a short time (and the church did pay for it at first). Among other things, this counselor advised us to find a new church home where we would be free just to attend (we had been quite involved in our church--to the point that we allowed ourselves to be taken advantage of--which she pointed out as one of the things that had served to get in between us.) This counselor encouraged us to just focus on our family for a season. I wish we could have afforded to continue our therapy. Perhaps we would have worked through some of the problems that still persist all these years later.

As I look back on this season, I have mixed feelings. The pastor did say at one point that "sometimes separation is the best thing for a couple at a time like this..." and something about working out our individual problems on our own. But the thing was, as unhealthy as our relationship was, keeping it intact was keeping it from spinning out of control at a time that I was incredibly fragile (physically, emotionally, spiritually, hormonally...)

I was driven by the fear I mentioned before--the primary thing that kept me from leaving after we had children: the fear that I would loose full custody and wouldn't be there to protect them. A relative had alleged that Todd's father had molested her as a child, and Todd was in denial that that the allegations were worthy of consideration. He had no problem with the idea of leaving the kids alone with his dad. I didn't even like them being alone with both grandparents because Todd's mother was too deep in denial herself to serve as a protector. That's another story which I'll share later.