I want to write Scott a note of apology, but it's hard to apologize correctly when you can't remember clearly.
I once received an apology from a former classmate who used to bully me in elementary school. When he said, "I am a different person now," that addendum somehow took some of the impact out of the apology. Sure, I was glad to know that he was no longer running around tripping girls and laughing when they skinned their knees, but still something felt... I don't know how to put it... it felt not entirely true. Does that make sense?
The thing is, I've been grappling with the concept of time and how we as human beings seem to be constantly evolving, and while I know that people do change and messed up lives are "redeemed," there is also an awareness that time is a very earthly thing. I mean, if you want to look at it from a religious standpoint, modern humans being under the curse of "the fall" actually makes less sense in the linear way of thinking than it does from a more timeless perspective. Adam and Eve ate that fruit that was a no-no... then years later, Jesus came to pay the debt for their disobedience (and ours too) and now, we're all included in that fall that took place eons before we were even born, until we accept the redemptive act of Jesus that took place a couple thousand years ago. Thus, in faith we are all over the place in terms of time, and I'm thinking that is why it is so hard for people with very disjointed views of life (in which time is chopped up into all kinds of disconnected segments) to understand either the need for, or the mechanics of, redemption. It's easier for us to chop up the time-line into segments and ignore those that are inconsistent. In ignoring our inconsistencies, however, we find it a whole lot easier to justify ourselves (and I think we also miss out on a lot of the texture that makes us interesting).
When the memories of writing that "break up" letter to Scott started to come back to me, I said that it was "like watching ... a fifteen-year-old girl, whom I barely recognize...." Initially, I was able to disconnect myself from that girl. The more I replay that scene, however, the more I feel like she is not such a stranger, and the more I see the patterns of behavior and the patterns of thought. We must exist in the entirety of our life experience in order to be honest. My soul often feels so confined by the skin that wants to hold me in, the time that wants to chop me up. I sense that I am intended to be much broader than that.
I know, I know... I "over-think" everything. So, I've been told. Few people have any interest in all the blather I can spew... so I put it HERE!!! I should call my blog "Blatherland."
So, I started to write an apology, but it ended up drowning in blather. Since I'm obviously not going to send this blather to some guy I haven't seen in three decades, I'll just post my imaginary "letter to Scott" here:
Dear Scott,
Since reading your "spawn of satan" comment, I've been trying to remember the letter you were referring to. No matter how much i rack my mind, the words elude me... however, a mute memory has trickled back--like I'm watching a silent movie of a vaguely familiar fifteen-year-old girl deliberating over a letter--a girl who is at once a total stranger as well as being more me than what I have become. I do wish I could see what she was writing--all I can do is sense that there is anguish in the action, and a compulsion, self-inflicted drama, beyond her understanding. None of this is intended as an excuse--but rather just a grappling for understanding (I know, weird writers--can't leave anything alone). On with my indulgent desire to understand the evolving psyche of myself and others... none of this need concern you except this: I'm sorry. I am really, truly sorry.
Scum of the Earth,
Bridget
Okay, truth be told, I had to post this here because I thought that "...a girl who is at once a total stranger as well as being more me than what I have become" line was just too good to fall prey to the delete button.
I have a new perspective on the "fall" that might get you unstuck. What if the "fall" had to happen in order for there to be actual free choice? What if the so called, "sin nature" is just selfishness? The ego only thinks of itself and thus makes it difficult to have relationships. However, we must love ourselves or we can't love others. God who is LOVE asks us to love others as we love ourselves. We are made for reciprocal relations with God, self and others. You can't have a relationship with everyone, so you edit. Sometimes the editing is less than loving. 15 year olds are notoriously cruel when they edit. They don't have guidence or experience in how to do it lovingly. I think you have an editing problem. Do you judge your earlier writing so harshly? or do you cut yourself some slack for being young? I love looking at the art I produced as a child I am very kind to myself. My art is much better now with all the experience I have had. We are works of art with unlimited ability to improve our models on into eternity. Make a happy story for yourself and start singing and sailing and your joy will overflow.
ReplyDeleteI follow you until you get to the editing part. I don't understand what you mean when you say I have "an editing problem." I'm having a hard time putting that diagnosis in context... Is that in response primarily to something said in this entry (which is so off the top of my head and unedited that the biggest editing problem is probably the lack of editing), or in the context of the past two, including the extensive comments on the last one (which I thought explained pretty well the fact that I'm not beating myself up over this, but in fact I'm *enjoying* the freedom that comes with learning new things about my past and how they relate to the present), or do you think I'm talking about actually changing the past, or is this problem something else entirely? Sorry, but I just don't get it.
ReplyDeletePS. I'm finding it interesting that so many people seem to see looking into the past and including the past in the story one makes for him or herself as a negative thing--as if the only way for a person with pain in her past to make a happy story is to start with a completely clean slate. Even Todd seems to understand where I'm coming from on this better than my readers here. Maybe that's due to tone of voice and expression that isn't coming through in my writing, and perhaps I'm not nearly as good of a writer as I'd like to be--if my written words are so easily misinterpreted.
ReplyDeleteI told Todd about this encounter, up to the very last exchange, and he seemed excited for me to continue the conversation with Scott. When I said, "No, I'm just going to drop it," Todd surprised me, saying, without missing a beat, "Why? It's a good story. Don't you want to know more?" He was able to see the difference between wanting to reinterpret something from the past and simply wanting to *know* it for what it was. He understood. How's that for a happy story? Todd getting me.
That is good news! The poster application to the music venue was such a hoot! If you had stopped there it would have been just light and fun...you suffocated the story with the religion stuff. just my oppinion!
ReplyDeleteFair enough. See that's what I want to know about the Scott letter... maybe it was suffocated in religious stuff... or who knows? It might be equally as amusing as the poster thing. I just want to know.
ReplyDeletejust be free! let go of all things suffocating. "my burden is light" all that kind of stuff is the goal. When looking back, laugh at yourself! I think that is how we should approach everything. If we are forgiven then we should be liven forgiven and that is where the "hoot" is!
ReplyDeleteThe ice was finally broken with a little bit of light-hearted dialog, following news of a massive fire--of all things--just a block away from Scott's place of business.
ReplyDeleteWhen I checked to see if Scott was okay, and told him, "Contrary to what previous impressions may have led you to believe, I don't want you to burn--really. (Sorry about that--bad pun, I know,)" he replied with a "HA!"
Funny how such a simple exchange can feel so good--like the lifting of a suffocating cloud of smoke...
And NO, I DID NOT START THE FIRE!!! I have witnesses who will confirm my whereabouts!