Just rambling... these thoughts are off the top of my head, and not some official treatise on the state of the union (be it union of Todd & Bridget, or of inner self and outer reality, or of team spirit and individuality, or...)
This is a new revelation to me—the fact that Todd’s demands are “do or suffer” (as opposed to "yes or no"--see comments on last blog post)—that’s not very nice of him, is it?
I’ve got to stop feeding the monster, even if it means suffering. So much of my mode of operation these days is the avoidance of undue inconvenience. Maybe what I need to be praying for is the strength to suffer.... How far will I have to go? If it comes down to having to leave and I can’t afford it, could I go to some sort of shelter?
I think I’d feel guilty doing that. There are women who are in physical danger—their very lives are at stake—those are the women those shelters are intended for aren’t they? Isn’t a woman who cries “emotional abuse” just being overly sensitive? Especially when there are so many hours in the day when her husband isn’t being abusive. (Just try pointing out the 23 hours a day when her husband isn't beating her to a woman who is physically battered for one hour a day...)
It ends up coming down to the altercations. I’m just so sick and tired of them! And each one is driving me further away from Todd emotionally, until I’ve gotten to the point where I’m so, so... bitter, I guess you could say... maybe more like numb—there’s no “team spirit,” that’s for sure... and I’m battling depression... depression that makes it hard for me to let myself care... and even if it starts with dealings with Todd, that carries over into areas beyond Todd.
I don’t think it’s at all chemical, because I really do seem to be okay with every other relationship in my life. If it’s situational depression, I’ve got to figure out how to change the situation before the depression gets any deeper, right?
I feel it creeping toward that level of self-destructiveness—that place where thoughts of hurting myself flash through my head in the midst of the arguments.... like a person with a really bad headache might be tempted to hit his head against a wall–one (self-inflicted and anticipated) pain distracts from another that feels out of one’s control—emotional pain can be so deep that pain in the physical realm would be a welcome distraction.
I am sure there are more professional people out there who would be very worried about you and know what to say. All I have is what I have been through. I had to leave three separate times before my husband really got the message. The first time was the hardest. I never had a full plan, I just needed to make a point that I would not support his tantrum which included physical and verbal abuse. I started forming a line or boundary of which I would not compromise. It starts slow and I gained strength from each engagement. One time I left by myself and just boycotted the whole family because they were all capable of managing on their own. I did not fear for their safety. THey were old enough to avoid broken glass. I guess my point is that you have to start standing up for your self. I even had to call the police and felt like I was going to throw up from the drama it produced in me. However, each step I took, I learned something new. Each step I took, I was able to see how to back up and handle it slightly differently until I could stand up with out throwing up! I learned how to stay calm like in the center of a hurricane, and to be praying behind my eyes even while I stood inches away from a potential hand slapping my face. My son who was also abusing me squirted mustard and mayo all over my dinning room in a temper tantrum because I would not do what he ordered me to do. Feeding the monster is definitely not the answer. I feel like I got stronger with practice. I found that standing firm with a calm voice and praying in the moment is the only answer. Getting snippy and clever doesn't solve the immediate problem. However, after the fury is over, I ALWAYS revisit the situation with my calm reasonable position firmly after the fact. most times that has to wait a day or two, but I NEVER let things slide. I always state my case clearly and consisely. I admit or confess if I did something wrong and then I declare how I will respond the next time. THen The next time, which always comes, I keep my word. I do what I said I would do. THe two people in my life with self control issues are growing up and gaining self control because i won't play into their problem any more. I realized that i was not doing any one any favors by feeding the monster. Be encouraged that you are not alone, you don't need a shelter, come stay at my house. I don't think Todd will hurt your kids. You have so much to live for...You are such a great person and so talented! you are just stuck in years of muck and monster feeding.
ReplyDeleteanother thought on the "leaving" aspect. When I look back, The "leaving" seemed like a big deal. It had energy of it's own, as if I had to make a vow to it! Like if I "left" it had to be forever or it was not going to have any effect. Now I see that the act of leaving is more of a physical boundary a backing up your "NO" so to speak. It says, I will not tolerate this anymore! THe reason I had to take the younger kids the first time was because my husband had to go to work the next day and I was not planning on coming back until he had left for the day. I could not leave the kids unattended for the morning hours. Each time I "left" I felt overwhelmed with unknowns swirling in my head. I thought I had to plan out the next month or year of my life, when in reality I just needed room and a fresh perspective. As I look back now, I truely believe that my faith had put me on a path of light and the very light in me was so attrative to my husband that when I "left", I took the light with me. He hated the darkness he felt inside himself. He felt lonely and awful. He tried to stop me from leaving. He begged for my return, always with promises to change. His "change" has been slow! Me on the other hand, I have changed significantly. Evil does not stick to me anymore. I love the light and when you pursue light, others will want it too, They will choose to change in order to be around you. They have to choose to change because you won't "play" the monster feeding game anymore. God loves you Bridget! Seek the light like a moth at night, one day at a time, one hour at a time. Graciously take the space you need to get fresh eyes for each confrontation with evil and be a light. I am praying for you to have eyes to see good and evil and the strength to say no to evil and YES to the light and beauty and love and peace and joy!
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