Just rambling... these thoughts are off the top of my head, and not some official treatise on the state of the union (be it union of Todd & Bridget, or of inner self and outer reality, or of team spirit and individuality, or...)
This is a new revelation to me—the fact that Todd’s demands are “do or suffer” (as opposed to "yes or no"--see comments on last blog post)—that’s not very nice of him, is it?
I’ve got to stop feeding the monster, even if it means suffering. So much of my mode of operation these days is the avoidance of undue inconvenience. Maybe what I need to be praying for is the strength to suffer.... How far will I have to go? If it comes down to having to leave and I can’t afford it, could I go to some sort of shelter?
I think I’d feel guilty doing that. There are women who are in physical danger—their very lives are at stake—those are the women those shelters are intended for aren’t they? Isn’t a woman who cries “emotional abuse” just being overly sensitive? Especially when there are so many hours in the day when her husband isn’t being abusive. (Just try pointing out the 23 hours a day when her husband isn't beating her to a woman who is physically battered for one hour a day...)
It ends up coming down to the altercations. I’m just so sick and tired of them! And each one is driving me further away from Todd emotionally, until I’ve gotten to the point where I’m so, so... bitter, I guess you could say... maybe more like numb—there’s no “team spirit,” that’s for sure... and I’m battling depression... depression that makes it hard for me to let myself care... and even if it starts with dealings with Todd, that carries over into areas beyond Todd.
I don’t think it’s at all chemical, because I really do seem to be okay with every other relationship in my life. If it’s situational depression, I’ve got to figure out how to change the situation before the depression gets any deeper, right?
I feel it creeping toward that level of self-destructiveness—that place where thoughts of hurting myself flash through my head in the midst of the arguments.... like a person with a really bad headache might be tempted to hit his head against a wall–one (self-inflicted and anticipated) pain distracts from another that feels out of one’s control—emotional pain can be so deep that pain in the physical realm would be a welcome distraction.
