You just said it again.
“I don’t have time for a story” ... exactly. You never have. Yet you have time for T.V. (practically anything there: sports, news, science programs, history, even those riveting commercials...), you have time for your work out to promote your health for your long life... that kind of stuff is interesting/rewarding enough to make time for it...
But if I have something to share and it might inconvenience you by more than 30-seconds, I have to waste MY time listening to that demeaning line. “I don’t have time for a story.” Thank you very much—I don’t have time for that statement, or the truth it carries.
I’m sorry now that I expended any time at all in this conversation with a pompous, self-interest-serving ass. I don’t have time to throw my pearls before swine. If what I think and value is of so little consequence and value to you, I pray that I can learn to keep my mouth shut instead of pretending that we actually have a decent relationship.
Thank you for bringing me back to reality. If I completely gave up hope I probably would feel a lot better because I’d not have to go through this roller-coaster of hope, hope deflated, hope, hope deflated, hope, hope deflated... It would be better to just resign myself fully to silence, talk to the walls and my journal, not expect anything from you.
Your statement of “I don’t have time for a story” could just as well be translated to “I don’t have time for a wife” or "I don’t have time for you.” I AM my stories, and I am sparse enough so as not to be a high-maintenance drain like some wives I know are. It would just be nice if on those occasions when I do have something I want to share with you, not to have it trampled upon... but I guess that’s hope. A better response would be: Whatever.
By the way, thank you for all the times you interrupt and turn the “conversation” into a lecture because you already know it all. I now understand why you have so few friends. (Do you have any?) I don’t know why it’s so hard for me to believe that you’ll be perfectly happy with yourself and thus just keep my mouth shut when you’re around. Oh yes, it’s the sex. I’m supposed to give it and it sickens me to give it to someone I don’t have a good relationship with. So I continue to try to connect intellectually... It would be easier for everyone if I could just disconnect the act from relationship and get it over with and let you get back to whatever is more precious to you than our relationship... after all, to guys, the act is all there is to relationship, right?
The reason the words “I don’t have time for a story” flow so easily off your tongue is that talk is just something you put up with in order to get what you really want.
Whatever.
oh dear. I feel like im interrupting your inner monologue as what you have written is clearly personal. But I really do hope things are better for you. take care.
ReplyDeleteNo, don't feel badly! I'm actually glad to know that someone's reading this. I'd probably post more often if I thought there was an audience.
ReplyDeleteYou see, I do believe that we can learn from the mistakes of others and that's part of the reason I made this journal public. Because we tend to say, "I'm fine," in our day-to-day lives, there are a lot of people who know me and look at my mistakes and say, "but look, it all worked out okay for you" (if only they knew how I continue to struggle with the consequences of decisions made in my youth.)
That's why I'm being so honest here. Though anonymous, I hope that some strangers who stumble upon this blog might be warned of the far-reaching effects of early choices.
Things are better. It's still a struggle, but as I take more control of the things that are within the realm of my control and responsibility (like the most basic--taking better care of my physical health), Todd is noticing. And as I'm gaining greater respect for myself, he's behaving a bit more pleasantly.
I still don't know if we'll make it, but I do have faith that it is POSSIBLE. That's something. I can't change Todd, but I can change me. And I can respect who I am enough to keep healthy boundaries. I think Todd's been noticing that I very deliberately distance myself from him when he lashes out or gets moody--that there are things I'm just not going to tolerate, and that has prompted him to change a bit.
Thank you for commenting, and you take care of yourself, too.
:)